Coffee

I want to tell you about my cup of coffee this morning.  It started out as a simple cup of french vanilla....but it became a large cup full of big and bold flavor. You may be asking, "Is she really gonna write a whole post about a cup of coffee?"...and the answer is yes...but if you know me at all...well, it isn't just about coffee.

I'm fairly new to the coffee drinking world.  As a kid, teenager, young adult, I could think of nothing else that tasted as bitter and gross as coffee. Well, except maybe beer.  My how things have changed.  My coffee journey began when it became popular to have meetups at Starbucks.  I wanted to enjoy the warm cozy feeling that everyone seemed to have as they met with friends while holding on to and sipping a cup of coffee.  Instead, I would order a hot chocolate, and feel rather juvenile.  The hot chocolate progressed to trying the mocha drinks..and somehow along the way, the mocha started to seem too sweet. And here we are now in a state of coffee-loving bliss.

I will admit to having a great like for Starbucks.  I do love a latte, and I just can't make those at home.  I was given a Keurig for Christmas to help curb my excessive trips to Starbucks.  I have purchased various flavors for the Keurig.  I now know that there is some Keurig shaming going on, and I have to put aside the damage I am doing to the environment and the possible bacterial growths in the machine to go ahead and enjoy my coffee at home.  Seriously, I worry about getting Alzheimer's, cancer, diabetes, so why wouldn't it be the thing to go ahead and get Kari worked up over her cup of joe?  Anyway, that aside, I enjoy randomly grabbing out of a bag of Keurig K cups to see what flavor I will be treated to that morning.  This morning, it was french vanilla, which I usually enjoy very much.  This may have been a brand I hadn't tried before.  When I took the first sip, I knew right away that it wasn't strong enough. What?!  The girl who couldn't stand coffee now wants it stronger? I recalled the Big and Bold flavor that I had tried a couple weeks ago was a little too strong by itself.  So, I figured I could mix the strong with the weak and make a tasty, albeit LARGE cup of coffee.  I did have to add just a touch of chocolate syrup because, dang...that big and bold is REALLY big and bold!!  There I sat this morning, drinking a big cup of coffee, enjoying the aroma, the warmth, the bitter and sweet layers of flavor.  And where does my mind wander off to?  Well....

I could've settled for that weaker cup. It would have been just fine. I would have enjoyed the warmth just the same. But it would've left me a little unfulfilled...kinda like drinking a cup of hot water.  I knew I had those Bold K cups up there that seemed a little too strong on their own.  Adding some boldness to something that was suitable already, really helped to make for a pleasurable experience as I sat and collected my thoughts.

A cup of coffee as a metaphor for life?!  Well, yes! But of course!  Why would I want to settle for something just suitable enough.  If I am brave enough to go bold with coffee, I should be brave enough to go bold in my life.    I've already done it a few times, like dyeing my hair blue at the request of my daughter.  I would never have done that a while ago...I was too afraid of the looks and judgments. I consider that a pretty bold move!  Courageous, daring, showing an ability to take risks, confident, not fearful...these are not things I would ever use to describe myself. They are what BOLD means. And those are the things I want to add to this whole mix of emotions and attributes that are me.

What did my cup of coffee illustrate for me this morning?  That hot cup of goodness showed me I am capable of adding some real flavor to my life, whether it be bucket list items like skydiving, or goals that I never thought were possible to accomplish.  I no longer want to be the weak cup...pleasant but lacking something. I think sprinkling some courage, confidence and risk-taking in to the mix might just make the perfect cup.  Ok, maybe not perfect, but at least full of flavor!

Freedom lies in being bold.  ~Robert Frost

 

Good Intentions

I look around me in my study and I see good intentions all around. I see coupons saved from the daily paper that are piled up, waiting to save my family hundreds of dollars on groceries and eating out at restaurants. Too bad they have expiration dates that happen to be back in 2010 and 2009 and 2008...

I have menus printed off the internet, meal plans purchased from online stores, cookbooks from all over the place, recipes cut out of magazines, shared with me by friends and family...all intended to help me to nourish my family and myself with a variety of foods. Not to mention the diet plans and diet cookbooks and diet tips and lifestyle change ideas and healthy snack ideas....to aid in my 20+ year  battle with my weight.

I see blank cards...thank you cards, birthday cards, congratulations cards, sympathy cards...all there so I can let someone know I am thinking about them at good or bad times in their life.

I also glimpse piles of cards received...for Christmas, graduations, birthdays...cards I can't part with because they contain the handwriting of people who are no longer with us...or they contain a heartfelt message for me or for one of my kids or for Brad...or they contain a picture of friends and family we don't see often or not at all anymore.

I take a look at the several storage pieces that house my scrapbooking supplies. These things were purchased intended to help me stay on top of the memories my family has created in pictures, artwork, stories...

I have many tools and aids for the kitchen housed in my study because they just don't fit in the kitchen. Crockpots, George Foreman grill, breadmaker, popcorn maker, fondue set, wine glasses...and much more...all things that have helped me feed large crowds or just our family or make meals for friends or entertain or actually have a business selling kitchen stuff (the amount of Pampered Chef stuff housed in my study is slightly ridiculous).

All around me...good intentions.  All of this stuff is not meant to stress me out, or to stress my husband out (which is absolutely does).  Instead, most of it has been the attempts of a woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, grandaughter, friend...to preserve the memories of her family...to save money...to give to others...

What I realize as I write this, is that this room is me. I am full of good intentions...and yet I fail.  I have all of this stuff inside of me and it's a mess. I am so hard on myself because I want it to all be in order...I want it to all make sense...the stuff in the room and me.

There is much about my life that I am happy and proud about. But this room in my house has been a burden...a room where we shut the door so nobody can see it when they come over...a constant reminder of how much I try and fail at things. And now, the revelation that perhaps the room is a reflection of me...I am full of good intentions but so cluttered and burdened that I just want to shut the door so nobody else can see the mess that I am.

I guess this is why I write this darn blog.  I really had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down at the computer in this room full of stuff. Yet somehow, out of my musings, I may have figured out that it's not only the room that needs to be put in order. Wouldn't it be good if this is the day?

Someone shared this song today...and I think somehow this songwriter was inside of my head.

Well you didn't wake up this morning 'cause you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

You could've done anything, if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day your life will surely change....

                     This is the Day by The The

The Trail

The first time I noticed a trail of blood on the sidewalk, it was when I was walking by the soccer fields near our house. I noticed a rather large burgundy spot, with a smaller spot attached.  The spots continued along the same path I was walking. And they continued, and continued.  I at first thought that someone must have taken a soccer ball to the nose.  But no, I don't think they would have continued walking along the sidewalk for such a distance with one big drop coming out every couple of feet.  Most people would have stayed on the field and someone would assist them there.  Maybe someone was jogging and they didn't realize they had a bloody nose.  Nah...most people wouldn't just continue running if they had such a predicament. I watch crime shows quite often so the thought that I was going to find a body in a few more feet was in the back of my head, but I realized there probably wasn't enough blood for that. And those same crime shows helped bring the about the thought that someone had hurt themselves in the course of committing an awful crime and they were now waiting for some unsuspecting exercise seeker (me) to walk by the bush they were hiding behind...I looked around and found comfort in the wide open soccer fields and the bright beautiful morning, and the number of cars driving on the nearby main road and decided I was probably safe from this scenario. I am no forensic expert, so I really don't know if that blood was human or animal, but after ruling out that most humans wouldn't just walk along for such a distance with blood dripping from them, I decided an animal had probably had a rough night.  Since I mostly walk the same path when I take my walks, I noticed the blood trail changing in color each day, to where it just didn't look like blood anymore.  And then, a few rainstorms later, the drops were gone. I still wondered what might have happened ...A little unsettling...

Today, I discovered another trail of blood.  This time closer to my house, and fresh.  Fresh because it wasn't there yesterday when I took my walk...and fresh because it was still red.  But this time, I could tell it was paw prints.  There was no question that an animal had again been hurt. The trail wasn't very long and disappeared in to the grass near some trees.  I saw three rabbits sitting by those trees, and I began to guess that maybe someone they knew was involved.  Again, I'm no CSI, so I couldn't determine if these were rabbit imprints, or some other animal.  But it made me recall the first trail of blood I had discovered...and boom, I started thinking about stuff.

I am not an animal lover.  That doesn't mean that I want to go out and kill all animals...it just means that I don't have the experience in my life of bonding with animals.  I am mostly uncomfortable around them.  Some people may hold this against me...determine that I am some uncaring freak.  I would just like to ask that you not judge me by my uncomfortableness, and instead realize we are all unique and different.  You may love dogs but not care for avocados. I happen to love avocados, but I'm not going to demand that you eat them.  I actually fear animals a bit..I've been almost attacked by birds on my walk, stalked by coyotes, and am terrified of unleashed dogs who have escaped their yards.  I guess it's the unpredictability of animal behavior that scares me.  I realize they are just doing what they need to to survive, or what their instincts lead them to do...but I don't feel like I can reason with an animal like I maybe could a human...So I remain fearful and guarded around them. Seeing blood trails on my walks made me think about just how much goes on while I'm tucked away in my house at night. And just how much the animals have to struggle to survive each and every day.  I may not want to cuddle up to a pet, but I do sympathize with animals.  I'm not heartless!!

A realization then hit me, that there are many of us who are injured...we may not even realize how badly until we've left a substantial trail  behind. There are many of us who face scary times...engage in some type of warfare inside of us...or try to chase demons off.  Who am I kidding?  "There are many of us"?!!!  EVERY single one of us is more like it.  Some of us don't ever show our injury...we're very good at hiding it.  We'll walk in the grass so as not to leave the trail behind.  Others do gush all over, letting everyone know they need help.  I don't know that either way is the right way to be, or the wrong way.  I just know that we are all trying to survive...trying to make it past the scary bushes without being pounced on...trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding...trying to find sustenance...

A quote I've seen often in social media lately is one that reminds us not to judge people because you never know what battle they are fighting.  When I worked in a department store, back when I was a youngun, I was approached by a customer who wanted her free gift from the cosmetics counter.  We had run out of those gifts during that promotion and I attempted to explain that to her. She demanded to see my manager, yelled that she was not leaving without her gift and told me I didn't know how to do my job. I'm kind of emotional...and especially as a young 20 something, still learning how to deal with the 'public', well, I began to cry...the manager arrived and told me to leave the floor.  I remember talking to someone in the break room and they said to me, "There is something else going on inside of that woman. You didn't do anything wrong." I learned quite a life lesson there. You just never know what is going on with people...and their treatment of you may not be a reflection of you or how you treat them, but instead of their inner turmoil. I do fear that animal behavior can be unpredictable but human behavior...well, that can be unpredictable too.

Our battles may not always happen in the dark of night, but they often happen where others can't see them.  I hope we don't wait until there is a bloody trail before we ask for help or offer help.  But even if the marks have been made, they do change over time...they fade and they eventually wash away. And I hope that the light in your soul will always be greater than the darkness.

Hmmmm...just dawned on me...it could be vampires in the neighborhood...

Remodel

The remodel on our bathrooms has begun. Yesterday, our contractor gutted the kids' bathroom upstairs. I watched as a cabinet came down the stairs...another cabinet, a bathtub, a sink....I'm not attached to any of these things.  My hoarder tendencies did not begin to peek out...but what did dawn on me was the work being done on these rooms.  They were still pretty much functional. There was water damage on the floor in this particular bathroom, so that was the impetus for the remodel. As it has been 15 years, it was time to update the look, the function...make it appealing to those that may want to buy it in the future.  (No, we aren't moving, but so many of the decisions are made for 'resale value') These are vital rooms in our home. Nobody wants to be without a shower, a toilet, a sink.  So, even though everything still worked, an update, a remodel, a re-creation has begun.

So what was I thinking as I watched the guts of that room come down the stairs?  Tearing down and moving out piece after piece of a vital room...Well, I thought about what kind of remodeling I need to do in my vital 'rooms'. It sounds like so much darn work...and I can't hire a contractor to do it for me. And shoot, everything seems to be pretty functional, so why change it? Unlike the bathroom, I'm pretty attached to the furniture in my 'rooms'.  It's comfortable, even if there is a spring sticking out and poking me, causing me pain from time to time.

My brain...a room with so much potential. I think I need some exercise equipment in that room.  It's pretty much become my couch potato existence. I just want to be entertained in there. Somehow, I need to make sure there is more of a balance...a little entertainment, a little exercise, a little rest.  Balance. Harmony. Perhaps need some feng shui in there. Reading, writing, I need to find more time for that. Studying up on my favorite game of poker. Improving, striving, doing.  I need that. Dang it brain...that's gonna be a pretty substantial remodel.

My heart...Oh my heart...Sometimes I feel like it's two sizes too big for the space.  No, that can't be...we will just need to knock out the walls and make more room.  I only want my heart to grow...and to never stop growing. No walls...just a big open space...where anyone can pull up a chair and feel welcome.  Yeah, I know that can be risky...but I can't think of any other way that seems comfortable to me.  I love...I just do. So what work can I do there?  I think I let other people convince me that the decorations are all wrong in there. My heart is my heart...I kinda want to be able to put whatever decorations I want in there. Do I need balance and harmony in there too?  Sure...but not if it means containing any of the love I feel and give.  Bigger, stronger, healthier love...that's the update for that room.

My soul.  I don't often open the door to that room.  It's hard for me to look at the chaos...Being a hoarder may play out in this room a bit.  Dreams of being a singer, a dancer, a mother, a wife, an author...And dreams I haven't even let myself discover...They are stored there. It's kinda like they are floating around ..some I don't ever really see anymore...maybe they are stuck in the dark corner because it was determined my voice was not pretty and I'm not that great at dancing.  I never get rid of the dreams though..I hoard them, because maybe some day...Ugh..this room needs some light. It's so dark...Every once in a while a flash goes off when I've had a great day being a mom...when I get some encouragement on my blog...but I haven't figured out how to make the light stay on.  It seems like there is going to need to be some major electrical work that needs to be done. And I am actually scared to see what I might find when my hopes and dreams are illuminated. Oh my soul, I hope to stop fearing what you are going to show me...where you will lead me.

Remodeling parts of our house brings about thoughts of remodeling parts of me...Welcome again to the world of Kari's heart, mind and soul! :)

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself in your own head.  You'll find what you need to furnish it-memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey. -Tad Williams

Take Your Seat

She walked in to the room and it was different than the times she had walked in before. Although she felt a little vulnerable, she had an air of confidence.  Confidence that was exhibited even though she hadn't become a size 6 or achieved a lofty career goal. She called them by name. She hugged. She greeted. She was herself. She was welcomed. She took her seat.

How many times have you walked in to a room and wanted to turn around and walk out?  Or you immediately want to hide behind the nearest pillar or plant?  How many times have you not shown up altogether?  I've felt those things...done those things. I've decided I want to blend in with the wallpaper and not be seen on several occasions. But, as many of you know, there are times when I want to be seen.  In fact, I want to be in the center of everything sometimes! How can I be so different?!  Depending on the setting, the people, the reason for the event...I am either a wallflower or a party animal! ;)

Certainly, physical things can contribute to how I feel about an event or a happening.  If I haven't slept in two nights, and my back hurts, I am less likely to walk in to a room confidently, ready for whatever I encounter.  The activity itself contributes as well.  I'm just not as comfortable walking in to a swanky nightspot as I am walking in to a poker game.  Of course I want to do the things I enjoy...that makes it easy to go to those...but when it's something a little out of the ordinary, or a party where I won't know anyone, I have a much harder time even putting the keys in the ignition!

I do believe it's ok to figure out along the way in life that there are things you like and things you don't.  And you don't have to force yourself to do the things you don't like. It's the unknown things...even the unknown people you might encounter, that I am realizing I don't want to just dismiss right away anymore. By not even showing up, I could miss out on meeting someone that just might be a beacon in my life. And what if I miss out on being that for someone else?  I do think it's important to realize that every one of us has something to offer to others. We aren't all just in this for ourselves and to see what WE can get out of the deal.

So yes, the way I feel physically, or about the activity itself are big reasons for how I present myself. And how I present myself, brings about how others present themselves to me or interact with me. I realize now that if I feel like I'm invisibile, not memorable, low on the totem pole...then I am walking in already somewhat defeated and people are going to feel uncomfortable interacting with me. So even in the most uncomfortable situations, I need to walk in confident in who I am...confident that I have something to offer..and confident that I belong. The confidence still feels a little awkward, but after trying it on, I realize that with a few alterations it could actually fit pretty well. And when it fits, it should be pretty easy to sit down and take my seat just about anywhere.

She

She...opened her eyes to the new day.
   ...rolled over to feel the coolness of the pillow
      against her warm, flushed face. 
   ...basked in the light streaming in through the blinds.
   ...took a deep breath, and smiled.
   ...had thoughts of hot coffee, sweet cuddles, and
      disappointment.
   ...quickly tried to push the negative thoughts out.
   ...took another deep breath and let it out slowly.
   ...let the negative thoughts escape through the exhaling
      breath.
   ...conjured up thoughts of blue sky, purple flowers and
      green grass.
   ...pictured sweet precious faces, warm wonderful hugs  
      and a heart full of love.
   ...smiled.
   ...awoke that morning to a day of infinite promise.

Afraid

So many things running around in my head...thoughts about fitting in, speaking up, keeping silent...hard to know where to begin. I guess I just do...

I perused pictures of a group of girls out on the town, and was thankful I had been unable to join them when I had been invited. There were certainly girls within the group I would have loved to spend time with, but I realized in that picture, I would have been the oldest, the heaviest, the "one of these things is not the others" sticks out like a sore thumb gal. It's not the first time I've felt that.  I'd even been reminded at one gathering that I did have a bigger belly than anyone else, as we tried to take group pictures. Yeah, sometimes we people can be kinda cruel to each other.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to 'belong'. I've not had that one thing that defines me, like being a 'cowgirl' or a 'tennis player' or a 'druggie'...the kind of thing that helps decide what you should wear, listen to, spend your days devoted to.  I seemed to float from one group to another...and took pride in my broad taste in music, clothes, movies...and people.  You know what, I still take pride in that. I believe every single person has value, a story to share, and a need to be loved...and a need to belong. That song from the show, Cheers, keeps coming to my mind...

   Sometimes you want to go

   Where everybody knows your name,
   and they're always glad you came.
   You wanna be where you can see,
   our troubles are all the same
   You wanna be where everybody knows
   Your name. 

So why do I worry about not fitting in, when I seem to be open to including all kinds of people in my life? Why do I limit my experiences because I don't know what I will wear or if I will feel like the black sheep? I have worked too hard on accepting myself, and continue to work on it..and any sort of slighting of who I am just kicks me down and takes so much recovery.  And you know what...it may just be me doing the slighting. What the heck is up with that?  Ok, so I don't have any answers here...so on to the next thing.

I probably spill too much about me to too many people. I guess I can't help it...I feel like they need to know who they are dealing with!  But really, I want them to help me navigate my daily maze as well as the obstacles that pop up along the days, weeks and months.  Much has been said in quotes and statuses about people not wanting drama in their lives...and some people just seem to invite it into their lives.  We all have damn drama.  Some of us choose to share it and some of us keep it to ourselves. Some of us bring a net and try to catch as many people in our drama as we can, until it starts sinking the ship. Some of us choose to go down with the ship all by ourselves. I guess I feel like I need to apologize for sharing my drama with others because I don't want them to tire of me...and then I will feel like I no longer belong...hmmm.  Well, there's that again.  Perhaps it's time to carry some scissors sharp enough to cut that net...

Then there is this part of me that doesn't speak up.  What? Really?  Yes...sometimes, I just allow things to happen without speaking up when I should.  I seem to lose my voice in certain situations.  It is maddening.  I guess I feel in some ways that I deserve the trampling, because I want to be accepted, not rejected. Then I find myself with regrets and sometimes even dealing with the fallout. Ever feel like you won't be accepted because you don't go to that church or vote that way?  Guess who keeps her spiritual and political views suppressed?  In a perfect world, I should  be able to have my views and beliefs and still be accepted. I choose not to share so many views because I fear rejection.  I have already felt it many times, and this has caused a disillusionment with many things and people. Even when it isn't spirituality or politics, I am struck mute when instead I should be feeling empowered and fighting for my desires. Do I not feel I deserve what I want? And do I not feel it's important to give pertinent information when it's needed?  The weakness in me rears its head yet
again...

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...

These are words from the Sara Bareilles song, Brave.  Brave is one word I have never used to describe myself.  I'm wondering if all of the worry about fitting in, speaking up and keeping silent might be dismissed if I were just brave about who I am.

(By the way, when I write my blog, I usually close the door and type in silence.  Although I love music, I usually need to think about things without the distraction of songs that make my mind drift to other things.  Today, for some reason,I turned on Pandora when I sat down to type....and the song I quoted above came on about three songs in, right as I was getting down to the grit...I'll be thinking on that all day.)

Rain

It's raining. I walked outside to throw some trash away, and I found myself lingering in the pleasant shower..taking in the smells of the wet pavement, the freshly cut grass...I love the smell of the rain.  I stood there...Something made me unable to move and return to inside the house.

What does rain make you think of?  For some, it probably brings up fear, as we have been dealing with the threat of flooding around here again.  That's a very real thing to fear...the natural phenomenon of rain can cause all kinds of trouble for our manmade homes and roads...as well as wreaking havoc with the natural beauty around us, as we saw with a mudslide recently.  We need the rain...we need food to grow and lakes to fill up...We need it, but we certainly fear it at times.

As I stood outside just a little bit ago, and felt the water begin to touch my face ever so gently, and create droplets on my arms, I couldn't move. There seemed to be a force holding me in place, so I could continue feeling the rain on my skin. Then I became aware that the water on my face was no longer just the rain. My tears began to flow as I realized how I needed this rain to refresh me, renew me...make me clean. I wish it were that easy. I need refreshing and renewing, but I certainly fear it at times.

I may try going outside again. If it's still raining, maybe this time I will twirl and twirl and twirl like I remember doing as a little girl. No fear, no pain, no life experience to worry about.  Just dancing in the rain, enjoying the moment.

"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby." 

Delight

I took one of those quizzes on facebook...you know, the ones that tell you which Grease character you are or which color M&M you are or which reality show you are destined to win...I don't really know why I take these...I guess in some way I want my fortune told, or I want some random quiz maker to have such incredible insight that the result of the quiz will tell me just who I am.  One that I took the other day actually struck a chord.  It was a quiz to determine what my happy word was. And after 5 or 7 questions, it was determined mine was 'delight'. Why did this strike a chord? Why did I actually sit and let that sink in instead of continuing to scroll down the news feed?

What I often end up doing a lot these days is looking up definitions of words that I have known since I started learning how to read.  As I advance in age, I realize that my memory isn't so great but I also realize that even everyday, mundane things have fresh meaning since I have 43 years of experiences to reference. So off I went to discover just what 'delight' means. I don't use that word so often...I know I say delightful when something or someone has been especially pleasing to me. But what of 'delight'?  Why is this a happy word?  Why is this MY happy word?


According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary, delight as a noun is

: a strong feeling of happiness : great pleasure or satisfaction

: something that makes you very happy : something that gives you great pleasure or satisfaction

and as a verb is

: to make (someone) very happy : to give (someone) great pleasure or satisfaction

I certainly like having a strong feeling of happiness...AND great pleasure and satisfaction...HELLO!! ;)  Yes, I am liking this 'delight' thing...I'm thinking this is definitely a good happy word!  And then, to delight...yes, I love to make people happy...sometimes to my detriment. I am definitely a people pleaser.  And if I sense that someone is not happy with me, or I am not meeting their expectations, it is a huge difficulty for me.  I never want to let anyone down.  Problem is, I do...we all do.  People let me down.  No matter how hard we try, and what our intentions are, none of us are perfect so we are going to come up short sometimes in our efforts.  

But about this 'delight' thing...I couldn't help but smile just at the thought of the word.  It is a pleasing word to say...a pleasing word to read.  It sounds and looks happy!  Look at what's in it...'light'.  Way back when I remember singing "This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..."  So often I let my worries and fears overshadow the fact that I have light within me.  I do want to make others happy...not because of what I can do for them, but by helping them find their light.  We all have light.  We are capable of delighting in things and helping others experience delight. 

Here's what the quiz maker said about my happy word, and about 'me':

        "You are happy because you are engaged in and curious about the world. The smallest things lift your spirits. You love that life is full of surprises. You can always see what's extraordinary in an ordinary day. You are whimsical and unpredictable. You like to shake things up a lot and have fun every day. Your friends can always count on you to make them smile. You are a delight yourself."

What a silly little quiz.  

For Mom

"Mom-ma"
"Mommy, owie"
"Mommy, it's scary"
"Mommy, I want cookies"
"Mommy, I had a bad dream"
"Mommy, can I spend the night at my friend's?"
"MOM, I don't want to clean my room"
"Mom, I have a crush on a boy"
"Mom, why does it hurt so bad?"
"Mom, I have too much homework"
"Mom, I really like him"
"Mom, I love him"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, how am I going to do this?"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, thank you for holding my hand"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, why is marriage such a challenge?"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mommy, thank you for always being there for me"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, you taught me how to love"
"Mom, thank you"

I am thankful for all of the things I have been able to say to my mom over the years. I am thankful she listened. I am thankful she still listens.

"Mom, I love you!!!"

Worry, and Anxiety, and Fear, Oh My!

Worry. Anxiety. Fear. I've always felt these feelings..right before giving a speech in front of the class, or performing on the field with the marching band, or say, having a baby. A nervousness about the upcoming event...and yet a wonderful high was experienced after the event was over. Once I finished, and could bask in the accomplishment, there wasn't much that could beat that feeling. Over the past few years, the worry, anxiety and fear thing has changed a bit. And I must say, I'm not diggin it.

I come from a long line of worriers. I recall being at my grandma and grandpa's house, in a small town in Iowa, and hearing sirens...either police car or fire truck or ambulance...and immediately my grandma would try to figure out where all of her children were. We didn't have cell phones back then, so she would have to worry until she could track down where they might be. I don't know if something might have happened once upon a time that made this her first response to things. But I do know, my mom responds in similar ways. I certainly thought my mom was crazy to worry so much about things...before I became a mom. I will admit, I've texted and called plenty of teenagers when I haven't been able to reach my own child who has missed curfew. My first instinct is to worry too. I work on this. There are plenty of nice quotes and things about worry. Like how it robs today of it's joy or just don't worry be happy.  Good things to keep in mind...like I said, I'm working on it.

The thing I am more concerned about now, is how I feel anxious about just about everything that is coming up. It's not just about whether my kids are safe and healthy.  It's not just about giving some big presentation.  Right now, it's Beau's swim team, and Blake's graduation, and a meeting I have tonight...I could go on and on.  When I started using my iphone calendar as my primary way to keep track of all the things happening, I shared with friends that my stomach would get tied up in knots when I looked at all of the 'dots' on the calendar (a dot indicates a scheduled event for that day).  I've gotten a little better about that, because now if you look at my calendar, there are dots on pretty much every day...and I just accept it.  Sometimes I look and am relieved when the one dot is indicating it's Flag Day or something. (Thanks iphone calendar people for putting those things in the calendar, by the way..)  Ahhh....not something I have to go do or take someone to. I love looking at a day and seeing not one thing scheduled.

I also get very anxious about getting rid of some things around the house. The first time I recall feeling this way in a pretty bad way, was sorting through VHS tapes.  My husband wanted to give them all away to a charity.  I sat there and felt so ill as I looked through them all.  Each tape helped to recall a past time in life. Top Gun...teenage years. The Jungle Book...being a new mom and watching it over and over again with my little kiddo. Tae-Bo...trying to shed the baby weight.  (That one I was fine getting rid of...)  I hated to think of letting all of that go.  Never mind that we didn't have a working VCR and couldn't watch any of them.  It just felt like I was giving away memories.  I felt a sense of relief when my mom decided she would take a lot of them home....sorry, Dad!  There is a whole shelf unit in our basement full of CDs.  I dread the day that my husband says it's time to purge those. I'm feeling ill right now just thinking about it!

I know that most of this is some fear about the unknown. A few years ago, I was scheduled to volunteer at a charity event. We were encouraged to dress up in 70's garb to go along with the theme and show up early to be instructed on our duties.  For weeks prior to the event, I would find myself near tears...freaking out about what I was going to wear and just what in the world I was going to be doing there, since I'd never done it before. I am a very capable human being...I think I can figure out how to do most tasks if given proper instruction....so why was I so anxious about this?  There were a couple of other things feeding the anxiety at the same time, and thank goodness I shared how I was feeling with some friends. They helped to ease my fears and talked me through it. It turned out that I really enjoyed volunteering and dressing up. Ahhh...there is that high again.  Kari, please remember that feeling!!

When I express these things to friends, many have suggested I look in to therapy or some meds.  It could be that I need to explore some of those avenues. In the meantime, I will take deep breaths as I look at my calendar, and tell myself I can handle it. I will encourage myself to let go of some material things around this house that clutter the house up and in turn, clutter up my mind. I will remind myself I am very capable of so many things, that I don't need to fret about failing to meet expectations.  Most of all, I am going to continue to engage in the things that bring me joy.  If I do that, I can only hope the joy will push out any worry or anxiety I try to hold on to.

"Worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want." 

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” 

"Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity."

Gettin Real Up in Here

Well, I did promise I would be real.  So here it is...I have been eating like crap the last few weeks.  Thankfully, all the walking I did in Vegas on my little getaway helped to make it so I didn't swing too far up on the scale. However, in the week I've been home, I've fallen back in to bad habits. I think my portions are still smaller, but I am craving all of the bad stuff again.  Just wanted to put it out there so there wasn't the assumption that Kari is happily eating her veggies and watching her body change in delightful ways. So if anybody else struggles...hello, I'm right there with you!  A grocery store trip is in order...and I am hopeful I can slide back in to some better habits.

Some other 'real' stuff...I am part hoarder.  I don't have the issues that the hoarders on the tv shows have...I throw trash away just fine, and don't let it pile up to the ceiling. (I do have several empty water bottles by my bed, but they are just waiting to go to the recycle bin.) My 'problem' is that I have a hard time getting rid of anything that might be useful in the future. The minute I give away that pair of baseball pants, well, we have another kid, and they will need baseball pants in a few years. Also, I am sentimental. I like to have the story that my son wrote about his first vacation. Or the first painting the kids brought home from preschool. The problem is, I don't have an orderly way of keeping them...so some are piled up, some are knocked over and some are lost...treasures to be found later on in life perhaps.  It's so sad really. I can't even talk about the amount of scrapbooking stuff I have and Pampered Chef products too.  In my defense, I used to sell Pampered Chef.  I should probably get rid of all of the old catalogs and files at this point.  I guess it has been 7 or 8 years since I have been active in that business...Clutter is my reality.

Another part of my reality is that I feel like a bad friend most of the time. I feel like I am unable to give all that I want to give to a friendship. Well, hell, that's the way I feel about being a wife too.  And a mother.  Most of the time I feel torn between wanting to spend time with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, my friends, and myself. Balance seems to be an issue. Once I focus on one thing, the others suffer. If I spend a weekend with friends, I feel the need to spend extra time at home for a while to make up for my time away. If I spend some time enjoying a hobby, I feel guilty for not reaching out and spending time with friends. I feel like I have missed out on bonding with friends...and that I am unable to be there for them like I would like to be. And I never want anybody to feel as if I have slighted them or picked something else over them.

And for reals, I feel completely inadequate when it comes to helping people who are struggling. I can listen. I can offer some advice that may have worked for me in a similar situation. But I am always concerned that I just don't know the right words to say...the right help to offer...the right way to be there for them.  I am pretty sure my kids know I am there for them...the ones who are still in the house get reassurances from me every day. I sure hope that all of them feel my love even in the midst of my struggles. It's a little harder probably for my friends to know...I don't see them every day.  And I get wrapped up in home stuff, and myself, and maybe don't reach out as much as I  should. I desire relationship with people. I wish I could concentrate on that more.

That's probably enough realness for now. This week,as I slipped graduation announcements in to envelopes, there was a family losing a very vibrant member. As I beat myself up over making unhealthy choices, one of my family members was sharing their recent battle with health issues and struggle to have a baby. My reality is mine, but their reality is mine too...every experience shared, every emotion described, every tear shed has an impact on me. I am better for knowing their reality and I hope somehow, someone is better for knowing mine.

Look at Me

When I was a young girl, I used to pretend that video cameras were following me everywhere. I guess I thought that my life was fascinating enough that people would want to see every move I made. Since then, the movie The Truman Show followed a man from from birth to adulthood, scripting his life by surrounding him with actors. Reality tv is now the main source of entertainment for many of us. You can find a 'reality show' about tattoos, fishing, pawn shops, races around the world, celebrities, and just about anything else you can think of. I should have shared my idea way back then...I could be blogging from my million dollar yacht. 

Sometimes, I think that people would like a look at what goes on in the life of a suburban housewife, mother of 5, married to her high school sweetheart. That fantasy that I am so unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing that the whole world would want to know me, creeps in still. I do have stories...plenty of stories...phases of life that have been amazing, some that have been painful, some so very confusing. But the reality is, we ALL have these stories. I am not unique in my struggles. I love reading someone's perspective on their daily challenges. It gives me some hope and comfort knowing I am not alone. I do think that is why writing about what's happening with me is so appealing, because I hope that others may see they are not the only one struggling in their role as a wife or mother, a weight loss journey, in following a dream...

But here's the thing...I'm not the only one, but I am also unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing. Do you know how hard it is for me to type that sentence, much less say it out loud?  I think the reason I wanted to have the whole world watch my life was to validate those very things I just said about myself. There's a block somewhere in my head or my heart that does not want to allow me to believe I am anything more than boring, unexceptional, and insignificant. 

And this, my friends, is what I am working on. I don't need cameras following me around to assure me I am worthy of love, whether it be from myself or others.  I am fascinating. 

Cards and People

I like to play poker. I've been doing it for some time now, and have seen some improvement in my play. I've certainly gained some confidence that I am fairly good at something. I still make stupid plays on occasion. I don't have all of the percentages and odds and technical parts of the game down. I'm not so interested in that. For me, it's more a study of people.

At the table, I do study each player. There are some I know already how they play. But there are usually a few new players that I need to figure out. But I am not the poker player who sits seriously and quietly thinking about the game. For one, it's free poker I'm playing, most of the time...but also, I would much rather discuss music and how the new job is going and when the next playoff game is gonna be. I will even listen as you tell me some very serious things you are facing.  I mostly like to try and make people laugh...I always love seeing people smile...
Poker to me is much more about the people than the cards. (I better stop there, because I do believe my being social is a part of my game play...and I don't want to give away any sort of telling information to you other players! ;)

I do love playing cards though...I spent many a night playing Hearts and Spades in my dorm room with other residents. There is some skill, and luck involved in almost every card game I can think of. More luck with some, like War...but most games require some thought! Much like life, really. You are dealt your cards...you can decide how to play them. That requires skill a lot of the time, but I do believe it's all made worthwhile if you like the people you are playing the game with.

On another note, I think I will have to celebrate 25 pounds lost again. That's not a good thing.  That means I have been going the wrong way!  It's ok.  That's how this goes.  I will get it back under control.  I've come too far to give up!  (But almost every day I want to give up...just sayin.)

“Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you hold well"

Which Room?

I had a dream last night that I was looking for my hotel room and I couldn't find it. I had a key, like a real key, not a card, and it listed four different numbers for the room. The trouble was that each floor had the same numbers so I was having to check every floor, and four different rooms on each floor. This was a big building with many floors so it seemed neverending. I kept walking in to everyone else's rooms. I met some nice people doing that, but I started to get very anxious that I was never going to find my room. Alas, I woke up before there was a resolution. I never did find my room. That seems to happen with most of my dreams. They don't get wrapped up in a nice little ending. I am always left hanging.

Well, this was one of those dreams that had me feeling anxious upon waking up. I hate that. And then it made me think. I don't hate that so much...thinking is good, most of the time :)  Oftentimes I feel like I am barging in to other people's rooms. I'm trying really hard to fit in the keyhole, and it just never quite fits but they let me in anyway because they can hear my clamoring at the door. They introduce me to everyone else in the room and invite me to stay, I guess because I seem harmless enough. They invite me back a few times, but since I've never found my room, I'm unable to reciprocate. I am always afraid the invitations will stop. 

What is my room? Is it my life's passion? Is it the dream I am supposed to go after? And why is it so dang hard for me to find? I seem to have a good enough time in everyone else's room...but the desire to find mine just keeps making me feel uneasy. If somebody would just give me the correctly marked key....

And there is where a lightbulb goes off for me. I keep expecting someone else to lay it out for me. Here is the key, here is the floor and room number. And here is the map of the hotel that will tell you exactly how to get there. Somehow, I have to figure out how to do it myself. What would it look like if took a walk around the hotel, saw a few rooms and then very deliberately chose a room? Then, figured out how to mold a key out of hot metal, found the best way to get there from the lobby and printed my own map?  

The anxious feeling seems to have shifted to excited...Crap, I guess I better figure out which hotel to stay at...

Get it Together

Hey, guess who worked for an hour on a blog post and eventually discarded it?  That would be this girl!  I am having a hard time believing that I have anything to offer...And that's after just three posts on this here blog. It was much easier when the main purpose of my previous blog was to tell everyone what I was eating every day. My hope for that was that others would find some help or inspiration in their weight loss or health goals.  Now, my purpose seems unclear, other than to please my own desire to write and type and ruminate on topics. And then there is the ever present fear that I will present too much of me, and scare everyone off with my crazy.

Oh, wait, are you still reading?!  Hot damn!

Maybe if I made one of those lists I see popping up all over...30 Things Happy People Do, 15 Things to Stop Doing, The Top 11 Super Foods...How in the world I could ever profess to know enough about something to list it in such a concise and packaged way, I don't know. I could tell you the Top 5 Things I Step On in My House. Or My Top 3 Worst Things to Clean Up (gross)....Maybe the Top 6 Most Interesting Things I Have Found Under the Couch. Notice those are all under 10 items...It seems exhausting to think of more than 10 things for anything. And I don't think that I have anything figured out enough to actually pass along. How do people do that?!  

Why does it seem everybody else has their stuff together and I don't? I've been waiting my whole adult life to feel like I have it all together. I think I am just destined to be the woman who is always a little disheveled. Let me tell you, when I shower and style my hair AND put on makeup and it all looks pretty good, I am ecstatic! But I know within an hour of mingling at a party, or dancing at a wedding, or sitting in a crowded auditorium, my hair will be straight, and I will be sweating like I'm in a sauna so all of my makeup melts off. I don't have magic tools in my purse that I can hop to the bathroom with and 'freshen up'...I would have to start all over. Instead, I pull my hair in to a pony tail, and continue on, realizing I may look a little rough, or crazy even. But I guess that's me....Smooth sometimes, but rough sometimes too. Calm sometimes, but crazy sometimes too.

The one thing I am all of the time, though, is Kari. Well, I don't know...maybe I need to start naming my other personalities...

Milestone

I reached a weight loss milestone today. Sssshhhh...keeping it a little on the down low...Everyone has their opinions about how you should lose weight and how not to. Keeping track of pounds lost is acceptable to some, and sad to others. I have been noticing that my pants are falling down, so I know my body is changing. But I do really like to have the actual hard numbers to help me see my progress in a very clear way. Today marks 25 pounds lost since January 1.  Woohoo!!!  I would not suggest the type of weight loss I experienced this week, with being sick and all, but I am looking forward to keeping on track now.

For those new to my weight loss journey, after being a very thin young girl and teenager, I have struggled with weight issues since I went off to college. I like to blame it on being pregnant at 19 and having five children. Truth is, the first year I went off to CU, I gained a nice amount of weight and a belly bump. Since then, up and down I've gone and have never really been happy with my body. A huge change from the confident high schooler with no real body issues.

For the past four years or so, I had not been able to find the right motivation or love for myself to get back on track losing weight and feeling better. This is what I think happened in January..I finally accepted myself for where I was right then...and that acceptance developed in to a motivator to be even better.

I am ashamed that for a while now I have been negatively processing other people's weight loss journeys, or their suggestions to me. I knew what I had to do...I knew what worked for me and what didn't.  I tried so many damn things...I didn't want one more thing thrown at me...even if done with love. I quietly began my journey again, with some shame because damn it, why haven't I gotten this by now?! Even as I sit here thinking about how I'm losing these same pounds again, I am saying to myself over and over again, "I hope that this time, I finally make the changes for good." 

I do hope I have made these changes for good. You know why?  Because I have felt like my outside doesn't reflect who I am inside at all. Inside, I felt like I was still this self confident teenager who just needed to be let out in to a beautiful thin body and the rest of life would just fall in to place. Taking a good hard look at my inside, the overweight, out of shape body may actually be reflecting what I was letting happen on the inside. I can no longer think so negatively about myself. 

"When the inner you and the outer you join hands, you become the only you. And when that happens, things begin to unfold more easily and the trip becomes more exciting and fun too." Begin with Yes

Looking to become the only me.

25 POUNDS!!!  Hell to the yeah!!! 

Sick Day

I was taken down yesterday by some ailment for a good 15 hours. Sitting upright and typing right now is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait to go lay back down.

Being sick sucks. I don't have any sort of philosophical insight to offer today. I just want to feel better. I didn't spend my day yesterday trying to find a wonderful little tidbit to contemplate and expound on. I think I was cursing in my head a good portion of Tuesday. The best part of the day was when my mom stopped in when dropping off my son, and put her hand on my forehead.  There's just something about a mother's touch...I hadn't felt that in a long time. Her cool soft hand somehow helped this thought enter my mind..."you're going to be ok". Wonder if my touch is like that to my kids. I hope so.

And now...I'm spent.

First One

This is my first blog post in two years. My previous blog began as a weight loss journey titled Journey to a Bikini. It evolved into a much different journey and I changed the name to Journey to Contentment.  I couldn't change the URL though, (as far as I know anyway) so it will forever be journeytoabikini.blogspot.com.  I 
decided I would start fresh. Starting fresh meant a new name to forever be known as.  Let me just say, it took me a good part of the morning trying to figure that out.  So now it's thekariblog.  Not the most creative, but it's me...and I guess if there is anything my continuing journey is, well, it's just me! 

After I finally figured out what to call this, I started to think about why I was writing it.  I immediately began an explanation in my head.  Actually, it was much more a bunch of justifications.  I was feeling guilty about wanting to put thoughts and feelings out there for others to read.  Who would want to read it anyway?  And when some people read it, would they just roll their eyes and develop a not so high opinion of me?  

Justify: to provide or be a good reason for (something) : to prove or show (something) to be just, right, or reasonable (from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Why is it I feel I need to prove there is a good reason for me to write a blog?  Why is it I feel the need to prove there is a good reason for anything that I do or don't do?  You want to get a manicure? Yes, but it's because I broke a nail and it hurts and they can help repair it.  The broken nail may be true, but in reality I enjoy manicures.  And I want one.  You want to play poker tonight?  Yes, but it's because my close friend will be there and I haven't seen them in a while.  The meetup with a friend may be true, but you know what?  I love poker.  And I want to play.  You want to sit and watch tv by yourself?  Yes, but it's because I am rarely alone and can watch something I want to watch without interruption.  Again, true, but damn it...I like to watch tv.  And sometimes I just want to do it.  

(A little aside here....I'm holding back tears as I type this...One reason for writing this blog...self discovery.....)

I don't like to fall short of anyone's expectations.  I think that's why I try to justify most everything about me...because I can't meet those expectations.  I fall short every day. When I choose to engage in something for just me, I feel I should have made a different choice that would have pleased someone else more.  Perhaps writing it out and looking at my choices will help me see that I don't have to justify being me.  Come along for the ride if you want to.  I can't promise it will be thrilling or enlightening, but I can promise it will be real.  

Now I'm going to get this darn nail fixed....