Well, I did promise I would be real. So here it is...I have been eating like crap the last few weeks. Thankfully, all the walking I did in Vegas on my little getaway helped to make it so I didn't swing too far up on the scale. However, in the week I've been home, I've fallen back in to bad habits. I think my portions are still smaller, but I am craving all of the bad stuff again. Just wanted to put it out there so there wasn't the assumption that Kari is happily eating her veggies and watching her body change in delightful ways. So if anybody else struggles...hello, I'm right there with you! A grocery store trip is in order...and I am hopeful I can slide back in to some better habits.
Some other 'real' stuff...I am part hoarder. I don't have the issues that the hoarders on the tv shows have...I throw trash away just fine, and don't let it pile up to the ceiling. (I do have several empty water bottles by my bed, but they are just waiting to go to the recycle bin.) My 'problem' is that I have a hard time getting rid of anything that might be useful in the future. The minute I give away that pair of baseball pants, well, we have another kid, and they will need baseball pants in a few years. Also, I am sentimental. I like to have the story that my son wrote about his first vacation. Or the first painting the kids brought home from preschool. The problem is, I don't have an orderly way of keeping them...so some are piled up, some are knocked over and some are lost...treasures to be found later on in life perhaps. It's so sad really. I can't even talk about the amount of scrapbooking stuff I have and Pampered Chef products too. In my defense, I used to sell Pampered Chef. I should probably get rid of all of the old catalogs and files at this point. I guess it has been 7 or 8 years since I have been active in that business...Clutter is my reality.
Another part of my reality is that I feel like a bad friend most of the time. I feel like I am unable to give all that I want to give to a friendship. Well, hell, that's the way I feel about being a wife too. And a mother. Most of the time I feel torn between wanting to spend time with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, my friends, and myself. Balance seems to be an issue. Once I focus on one thing, the others suffer. If I spend a weekend with friends, I feel the need to spend extra time at home for a while to make up for my time away. If I spend some time enjoying a hobby, I feel guilty for not reaching out and spending time with friends. I feel like I have missed out on bonding with friends...and that I am unable to be there for them like I would like to be. And I never want anybody to feel as if I have slighted them or picked something else over them.
And for reals, I feel completely inadequate when it comes to helping people who are struggling. I can listen. I can offer some advice that may have worked for me in a similar situation. But I am always concerned that I just don't know the right words to say...the right help to offer...the right way to be there for them. I am pretty sure my kids know I am there for them...the ones who are still in the house get reassurances from me every day. I sure hope that all of them feel my love even in the midst of my struggles. It's a little harder probably for my friends to know...I don't see them every day. And I get wrapped up in home stuff, and myself, and maybe don't reach out as much as I should. I desire relationship with people. I wish I could concentrate on that more.
That's probably enough realness for now. This week,as I slipped graduation announcements in to envelopes, there was a family losing a very vibrant member. As I beat myself up over making unhealthy choices, one of my family members was sharing their recent battle with health issues and struggle to have a baby. My reality is mine, but their reality is mine too...every experience shared, every emotion described, every tear shed has an impact on me. I am better for knowing their reality and I hope somehow, someone is better for knowing mine.
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