Worry. Anxiety. Fear. I've always felt these feelings..right before giving a speech in front of the class, or performing on the field with the marching band, or say, having a baby. A nervousness about the upcoming event...and yet a wonderful high was experienced after the event was over. Once I finished, and could bask in the accomplishment, there wasn't much that could beat that feeling. Over the past few years, the worry, anxiety and fear thing has changed a bit. And I must say, I'm not diggin it.
I come from a long line of worriers. I recall being at my grandma and grandpa's house, in a small town in Iowa, and hearing sirens...either police car or fire truck or ambulance...and immediately my grandma would try to figure out where all of her children were. We didn't have cell phones back then, so she would have to worry until she could track down where they might be. I don't know if something might have happened once upon a time that made this her first response to things. But I do know, my mom responds in similar ways. I certainly thought my mom was crazy to worry so much about things...before I became a mom. I will admit, I've texted and called plenty of teenagers when I haven't been able to reach my own child who has missed curfew. My first instinct is to worry too. I work on this. There are plenty of nice quotes and things about worry. Like how it robs today of it's joy or just don't worry be happy. Good things to keep in mind...like I said, I'm working on it.
The thing I am more concerned about now, is how I feel anxious about just about everything that is coming up. It's not just about whether my kids are safe and healthy. It's not just about giving some big presentation. Right now, it's Beau's swim team, and Blake's graduation, and a meeting I have tonight...I could go on and on. When I started using my iphone calendar as my primary way to keep track of all the things happening, I shared with friends that my stomach would get tied up in knots when I looked at all of the 'dots' on the calendar (a dot indicates a scheduled event for that day). I've gotten a little better about that, because now if you look at my calendar, there are dots on pretty much every day...and I just accept it. Sometimes I look and am relieved when the one dot is indicating it's Flag Day or something. (Thanks iphone calendar people for putting those things in the calendar, by the way..) Ahhh....not something I have to go do or take someone to. I love looking at a day and seeing not one thing scheduled.
I also get very anxious about getting rid of some things around the house. The first time I recall feeling this way in a pretty bad way, was sorting through VHS tapes. My husband wanted to give them all away to a charity. I sat there and felt so ill as I looked through them all. Each tape helped to recall a past time in life. Top Gun...teenage years. The Jungle Book...being a new mom and watching it over and over again with my little kiddo. Tae-Bo...trying to shed the baby weight. (That one I was fine getting rid of...) I hated to think of letting all of that go. Never mind that we didn't have a working VCR and couldn't watch any of them. It just felt like I was giving away memories. I felt a sense of relief when my mom decided she would take a lot of them home....sorry, Dad! There is a whole shelf unit in our basement full of CDs. I dread the day that my husband says it's time to purge those. I'm feeling ill right now just thinking about it!
I know that most of this is some fear about the unknown. A few years ago, I was scheduled to volunteer at a charity event. We were encouraged to dress up in 70's garb to go along with the theme and show up early to be instructed on our duties. For weeks prior to the event, I would find myself near tears...freaking out about what I was going to wear and just what in the world I was going to be doing there, since I'd never done it before. I am a very capable human being...I think I can figure out how to do most tasks if given proper instruction....so why was I so anxious about this? There were a couple of other things feeding the anxiety at the same time, and thank goodness I shared how I was feeling with some friends. They helped to ease my fears and talked me through it. It turned out that I really enjoyed volunteering and dressing up. Ahhh...there is that high again. Kari, please remember that feeling!!
When I express these things to friends, many have suggested I look in to therapy or some meds. It could be that I need to explore some of those avenues. In the meantime, I will take deep breaths as I look at my calendar, and tell myself I can handle it. I will encourage myself to let go of some material things around this house that clutter the house up and in turn, clutter up my mind. I will remind myself I am very capable of so many things, that I don't need to fret about failing to meet expectations. Most of all, I am going to continue to engage in the things that bring me joy. If I do that, I can only hope the joy will push out any worry or anxiety I try to hold on to.
"Worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want."
“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.”
"Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity."
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