The Trail

The first time I noticed a trail of blood on the sidewalk, it was when I was walking by the soccer fields near our house. I noticed a rather large burgundy spot, with a smaller spot attached.  The spots continued along the same path I was walking. And they continued, and continued.  I at first thought that someone must have taken a soccer ball to the nose.  But no, I don't think they would have continued walking along the sidewalk for such a distance with one big drop coming out every couple of feet.  Most people would have stayed on the field and someone would assist them there.  Maybe someone was jogging and they didn't realize they had a bloody nose.  Nah...most people wouldn't just continue running if they had such a predicament. I watch crime shows quite often so the thought that I was going to find a body in a few more feet was in the back of my head, but I realized there probably wasn't enough blood for that. And those same crime shows helped bring the about the thought that someone had hurt themselves in the course of committing an awful crime and they were now waiting for some unsuspecting exercise seeker (me) to walk by the bush they were hiding behind...I looked around and found comfort in the wide open soccer fields and the bright beautiful morning, and the number of cars driving on the nearby main road and decided I was probably safe from this scenario. I am no forensic expert, so I really don't know if that blood was human or animal, but after ruling out that most humans wouldn't just walk along for such a distance with blood dripping from them, I decided an animal had probably had a rough night.  Since I mostly walk the same path when I take my walks, I noticed the blood trail changing in color each day, to where it just didn't look like blood anymore.  And then, a few rainstorms later, the drops were gone. I still wondered what might have happened ...A little unsettling...

Today, I discovered another trail of blood.  This time closer to my house, and fresh.  Fresh because it wasn't there yesterday when I took my walk...and fresh because it was still red.  But this time, I could tell it was paw prints.  There was no question that an animal had again been hurt. The trail wasn't very long and disappeared in to the grass near some trees.  I saw three rabbits sitting by those trees, and I began to guess that maybe someone they knew was involved.  Again, I'm no CSI, so I couldn't determine if these were rabbit imprints, or some other animal.  But it made me recall the first trail of blood I had discovered...and boom, I started thinking about stuff.

I am not an animal lover.  That doesn't mean that I want to go out and kill all animals...it just means that I don't have the experience in my life of bonding with animals.  I am mostly uncomfortable around them.  Some people may hold this against me...determine that I am some uncaring freak.  I would just like to ask that you not judge me by my uncomfortableness, and instead realize we are all unique and different.  You may love dogs but not care for avocados. I happen to love avocados, but I'm not going to demand that you eat them.  I actually fear animals a bit..I've been almost attacked by birds on my walk, stalked by coyotes, and am terrified of unleashed dogs who have escaped their yards.  I guess it's the unpredictability of animal behavior that scares me.  I realize they are just doing what they need to to survive, or what their instincts lead them to do...but I don't feel like I can reason with an animal like I maybe could a human...So I remain fearful and guarded around them. Seeing blood trails on my walks made me think about just how much goes on while I'm tucked away in my house at night. And just how much the animals have to struggle to survive each and every day.  I may not want to cuddle up to a pet, but I do sympathize with animals.  I'm not heartless!!

A realization then hit me, that there are many of us who are injured...we may not even realize how badly until we've left a substantial trail  behind. There are many of us who face scary times...engage in some type of warfare inside of us...or try to chase demons off.  Who am I kidding?  "There are many of us"?!!!  EVERY single one of us is more like it.  Some of us don't ever show our injury...we're very good at hiding it.  We'll walk in the grass so as not to leave the trail behind.  Others do gush all over, letting everyone know they need help.  I don't know that either way is the right way to be, or the wrong way.  I just know that we are all trying to survive...trying to make it past the scary bushes without being pounced on...trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding...trying to find sustenance...

A quote I've seen often in social media lately is one that reminds us not to judge people because you never know what battle they are fighting.  When I worked in a department store, back when I was a youngun, I was approached by a customer who wanted her free gift from the cosmetics counter.  We had run out of those gifts during that promotion and I attempted to explain that to her. She demanded to see my manager, yelled that she was not leaving without her gift and told me I didn't know how to do my job. I'm kind of emotional...and especially as a young 20 something, still learning how to deal with the 'public', well, I began to cry...the manager arrived and told me to leave the floor.  I remember talking to someone in the break room and they said to me, "There is something else going on inside of that woman. You didn't do anything wrong." I learned quite a life lesson there. You just never know what is going on with people...and their treatment of you may not be a reflection of you or how you treat them, but instead of their inner turmoil. I do fear that animal behavior can be unpredictable but human behavior...well, that can be unpredictable too.

Our battles may not always happen in the dark of night, but they often happen where others can't see them.  I hope we don't wait until there is a bloody trail before we ask for help or offer help.  But even if the marks have been made, they do change over time...they fade and they eventually wash away. And I hope that the light in your soul will always be greater than the darkness.

Hmmmm...just dawned on me...it could be vampires in the neighborhood...

Remodel

The remodel on our bathrooms has begun. Yesterday, our contractor gutted the kids' bathroom upstairs. I watched as a cabinet came down the stairs...another cabinet, a bathtub, a sink....I'm not attached to any of these things.  My hoarder tendencies did not begin to peek out...but what did dawn on me was the work being done on these rooms.  They were still pretty much functional. There was water damage on the floor in this particular bathroom, so that was the impetus for the remodel. As it has been 15 years, it was time to update the look, the function...make it appealing to those that may want to buy it in the future.  (No, we aren't moving, but so many of the decisions are made for 'resale value') These are vital rooms in our home. Nobody wants to be without a shower, a toilet, a sink.  So, even though everything still worked, an update, a remodel, a re-creation has begun.

So what was I thinking as I watched the guts of that room come down the stairs?  Tearing down and moving out piece after piece of a vital room...Well, I thought about what kind of remodeling I need to do in my vital 'rooms'. It sounds like so much darn work...and I can't hire a contractor to do it for me. And shoot, everything seems to be pretty functional, so why change it? Unlike the bathroom, I'm pretty attached to the furniture in my 'rooms'.  It's comfortable, even if there is a spring sticking out and poking me, causing me pain from time to time.

My brain...a room with so much potential. I think I need some exercise equipment in that room.  It's pretty much become my couch potato existence. I just want to be entertained in there. Somehow, I need to make sure there is more of a balance...a little entertainment, a little exercise, a little rest.  Balance. Harmony. Perhaps need some feng shui in there. Reading, writing, I need to find more time for that. Studying up on my favorite game of poker. Improving, striving, doing.  I need that. Dang it brain...that's gonna be a pretty substantial remodel.

My heart...Oh my heart...Sometimes I feel like it's two sizes too big for the space.  No, that can't be...we will just need to knock out the walls and make more room.  I only want my heart to grow...and to never stop growing. No walls...just a big open space...where anyone can pull up a chair and feel welcome.  Yeah, I know that can be risky...but I can't think of any other way that seems comfortable to me.  I love...I just do. So what work can I do there?  I think I let other people convince me that the decorations are all wrong in there. My heart is my heart...I kinda want to be able to put whatever decorations I want in there. Do I need balance and harmony in there too?  Sure...but not if it means containing any of the love I feel and give.  Bigger, stronger, healthier love...that's the update for that room.

My soul.  I don't often open the door to that room.  It's hard for me to look at the chaos...Being a hoarder may play out in this room a bit.  Dreams of being a singer, a dancer, a mother, a wife, an author...And dreams I haven't even let myself discover...They are stored there. It's kinda like they are floating around ..some I don't ever really see anymore...maybe they are stuck in the dark corner because it was determined my voice was not pretty and I'm not that great at dancing.  I never get rid of the dreams though..I hoard them, because maybe some day...Ugh..this room needs some light. It's so dark...Every once in a while a flash goes off when I've had a great day being a mom...when I get some encouragement on my blog...but I haven't figured out how to make the light stay on.  It seems like there is going to need to be some major electrical work that needs to be done. And I am actually scared to see what I might find when my hopes and dreams are illuminated. Oh my soul, I hope to stop fearing what you are going to show me...where you will lead me.

Remodeling parts of our house brings about thoughts of remodeling parts of me...Welcome again to the world of Kari's heart, mind and soul! :)

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself in your own head.  You'll find what you need to furnish it-memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey. -Tad Williams