Coffee

I want to tell you about my cup of coffee this morning.  It started out as a simple cup of french vanilla....but it became a large cup full of big and bold flavor. You may be asking, "Is she really gonna write a whole post about a cup of coffee?"...and the answer is yes...but if you know me at all...well, it isn't just about coffee.

I'm fairly new to the coffee drinking world.  As a kid, teenager, young adult, I could think of nothing else that tasted as bitter and gross as coffee. Well, except maybe beer.  My how things have changed.  My coffee journey began when it became popular to have meetups at Starbucks.  I wanted to enjoy the warm cozy feeling that everyone seemed to have as they met with friends while holding on to and sipping a cup of coffee.  Instead, I would order a hot chocolate, and feel rather juvenile.  The hot chocolate progressed to trying the mocha drinks..and somehow along the way, the mocha started to seem too sweet. And here we are now in a state of coffee-loving bliss.

I will admit to having a great like for Starbucks.  I do love a latte, and I just can't make those at home.  I was given a Keurig for Christmas to help curb my excessive trips to Starbucks.  I have purchased various flavors for the Keurig.  I now know that there is some Keurig shaming going on, and I have to put aside the damage I am doing to the environment and the possible bacterial growths in the machine to go ahead and enjoy my coffee at home.  Seriously, I worry about getting Alzheimer's, cancer, diabetes, so why wouldn't it be the thing to go ahead and get Kari worked up over her cup of joe?  Anyway, that aside, I enjoy randomly grabbing out of a bag of Keurig K cups to see what flavor I will be treated to that morning.  This morning, it was french vanilla, which I usually enjoy very much.  This may have been a brand I hadn't tried before.  When I took the first sip, I knew right away that it wasn't strong enough. What?!  The girl who couldn't stand coffee now wants it stronger? I recalled the Big and Bold flavor that I had tried a couple weeks ago was a little too strong by itself.  So, I figured I could mix the strong with the weak and make a tasty, albeit LARGE cup of coffee.  I did have to add just a touch of chocolate syrup because, dang...that big and bold is REALLY big and bold!!  There I sat this morning, drinking a big cup of coffee, enjoying the aroma, the warmth, the bitter and sweet layers of flavor.  And where does my mind wander off to?  Well....

I could've settled for that weaker cup. It would have been just fine. I would have enjoyed the warmth just the same. But it would've left me a little unfulfilled...kinda like drinking a cup of hot water.  I knew I had those Bold K cups up there that seemed a little too strong on their own.  Adding some boldness to something that was suitable already, really helped to make for a pleasurable experience as I sat and collected my thoughts.

A cup of coffee as a metaphor for life?!  Well, yes! But of course!  Why would I want to settle for something just suitable enough.  If I am brave enough to go bold with coffee, I should be brave enough to go bold in my life.    I've already done it a few times, like dyeing my hair blue at the request of my daughter.  I would never have done that a while ago...I was too afraid of the looks and judgments. I consider that a pretty bold move!  Courageous, daring, showing an ability to take risks, confident, not fearful...these are not things I would ever use to describe myself. They are what BOLD means. And those are the things I want to add to this whole mix of emotions and attributes that are me.

What did my cup of coffee illustrate for me this morning?  That hot cup of goodness showed me I am capable of adding some real flavor to my life, whether it be bucket list items like skydiving, or goals that I never thought were possible to accomplish.  I no longer want to be the weak cup...pleasant but lacking something. I think sprinkling some courage, confidence and risk-taking in to the mix might just make the perfect cup.  Ok, maybe not perfect, but at least full of flavor!

Freedom lies in being bold.  ~Robert Frost

 

Good Intentions

I look around me in my study and I see good intentions all around. I see coupons saved from the daily paper that are piled up, waiting to save my family hundreds of dollars on groceries and eating out at restaurants. Too bad they have expiration dates that happen to be back in 2010 and 2009 and 2008...

I have menus printed off the internet, meal plans purchased from online stores, cookbooks from all over the place, recipes cut out of magazines, shared with me by friends and family...all intended to help me to nourish my family and myself with a variety of foods. Not to mention the diet plans and diet cookbooks and diet tips and lifestyle change ideas and healthy snack ideas....to aid in my 20+ year  battle with my weight.

I see blank cards...thank you cards, birthday cards, congratulations cards, sympathy cards...all there so I can let someone know I am thinking about them at good or bad times in their life.

I also glimpse piles of cards received...for Christmas, graduations, birthdays...cards I can't part with because they contain the handwriting of people who are no longer with us...or they contain a heartfelt message for me or for one of my kids or for Brad...or they contain a picture of friends and family we don't see often or not at all anymore.

I take a look at the several storage pieces that house my scrapbooking supplies. These things were purchased intended to help me stay on top of the memories my family has created in pictures, artwork, stories...

I have many tools and aids for the kitchen housed in my study because they just don't fit in the kitchen. Crockpots, George Foreman grill, breadmaker, popcorn maker, fondue set, wine glasses...and much more...all things that have helped me feed large crowds or just our family or make meals for friends or entertain or actually have a business selling kitchen stuff (the amount of Pampered Chef stuff housed in my study is slightly ridiculous).

All around me...good intentions.  All of this stuff is not meant to stress me out, or to stress my husband out (which is absolutely does).  Instead, most of it has been the attempts of a woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister, niece, grandaughter, friend...to preserve the memories of her family...to save money...to give to others...

What I realize as I write this, is that this room is me. I am full of good intentions...and yet I fail.  I have all of this stuff inside of me and it's a mess. I am so hard on myself because I want it to all be in order...I want it to all make sense...the stuff in the room and me.

There is much about my life that I am happy and proud about. But this room in my house has been a burden...a room where we shut the door so nobody can see it when they come over...a constant reminder of how much I try and fail at things. And now, the revelation that perhaps the room is a reflection of me...I am full of good intentions but so cluttered and burdened that I just want to shut the door so nobody else can see the mess that I am.

I guess this is why I write this darn blog.  I really had no idea what I was going to write when I sat down at the computer in this room full of stuff. Yet somehow, out of my musings, I may have figured out that it's not only the room that needs to be put in order. Wouldn't it be good if this is the day?

Someone shared this song today...and I think somehow this songwriter was inside of my head.

Well you didn't wake up this morning 'cause you didn't go to bed
You were watching the whites of your eyes turn red
The calendar on your wall is ticking the days off
You've been reading some old letters
You smile and think how much you've changed
All the money in the world couldn't buy back those days

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

You could've done anything, if you'd wanted
And all your friends and family think that you're lucky
But the side of you they'll never see
Is when you're left alone with the memories
That hold your life together like glue

You pull back the curtains, and the sun burns into your eyes
You watch a plane flying across a clear blue sky
This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day when things fall into place

This is the day your life will surely change
This is the day your life will surely change....

                     This is the Day by The The

The Trail

The first time I noticed a trail of blood on the sidewalk, it was when I was walking by the soccer fields near our house. I noticed a rather large burgundy spot, with a smaller spot attached.  The spots continued along the same path I was walking. And they continued, and continued.  I at first thought that someone must have taken a soccer ball to the nose.  But no, I don't think they would have continued walking along the sidewalk for such a distance with one big drop coming out every couple of feet.  Most people would have stayed on the field and someone would assist them there.  Maybe someone was jogging and they didn't realize they had a bloody nose.  Nah...most people wouldn't just continue running if they had such a predicament. I watch crime shows quite often so the thought that I was going to find a body in a few more feet was in the back of my head, but I realized there probably wasn't enough blood for that. And those same crime shows helped bring the about the thought that someone had hurt themselves in the course of committing an awful crime and they were now waiting for some unsuspecting exercise seeker (me) to walk by the bush they were hiding behind...I looked around and found comfort in the wide open soccer fields and the bright beautiful morning, and the number of cars driving on the nearby main road and decided I was probably safe from this scenario. I am no forensic expert, so I really don't know if that blood was human or animal, but after ruling out that most humans wouldn't just walk along for such a distance with blood dripping from them, I decided an animal had probably had a rough night.  Since I mostly walk the same path when I take my walks, I noticed the blood trail changing in color each day, to where it just didn't look like blood anymore.  And then, a few rainstorms later, the drops were gone. I still wondered what might have happened ...A little unsettling...

Today, I discovered another trail of blood.  This time closer to my house, and fresh.  Fresh because it wasn't there yesterday when I took my walk...and fresh because it was still red.  But this time, I could tell it was paw prints.  There was no question that an animal had again been hurt. The trail wasn't very long and disappeared in to the grass near some trees.  I saw three rabbits sitting by those trees, and I began to guess that maybe someone they knew was involved.  Again, I'm no CSI, so I couldn't determine if these were rabbit imprints, or some other animal.  But it made me recall the first trail of blood I had discovered...and boom, I started thinking about stuff.

I am not an animal lover.  That doesn't mean that I want to go out and kill all animals...it just means that I don't have the experience in my life of bonding with animals.  I am mostly uncomfortable around them.  Some people may hold this against me...determine that I am some uncaring freak.  I would just like to ask that you not judge me by my uncomfortableness, and instead realize we are all unique and different.  You may love dogs but not care for avocados. I happen to love avocados, but I'm not going to demand that you eat them.  I actually fear animals a bit..I've been almost attacked by birds on my walk, stalked by coyotes, and am terrified of unleashed dogs who have escaped their yards.  I guess it's the unpredictability of animal behavior that scares me.  I realize they are just doing what they need to to survive, or what their instincts lead them to do...but I don't feel like I can reason with an animal like I maybe could a human...So I remain fearful and guarded around them. Seeing blood trails on my walks made me think about just how much goes on while I'm tucked away in my house at night. And just how much the animals have to struggle to survive each and every day.  I may not want to cuddle up to a pet, but I do sympathize with animals.  I'm not heartless!!

A realization then hit me, that there are many of us who are injured...we may not even realize how badly until we've left a substantial trail  behind. There are many of us who face scary times...engage in some type of warfare inside of us...or try to chase demons off.  Who am I kidding?  "There are many of us"?!!!  EVERY single one of us is more like it.  Some of us don't ever show our injury...we're very good at hiding it.  We'll walk in the grass so as not to leave the trail behind.  Others do gush all over, letting everyone know they need help.  I don't know that either way is the right way to be, or the wrong way.  I just know that we are all trying to survive...trying to make it past the scary bushes without being pounced on...trying to figure out how to stop the bleeding...trying to find sustenance...

A quote I've seen often in social media lately is one that reminds us not to judge people because you never know what battle they are fighting.  When I worked in a department store, back when I was a youngun, I was approached by a customer who wanted her free gift from the cosmetics counter.  We had run out of those gifts during that promotion and I attempted to explain that to her. She demanded to see my manager, yelled that she was not leaving without her gift and told me I didn't know how to do my job. I'm kind of emotional...and especially as a young 20 something, still learning how to deal with the 'public', well, I began to cry...the manager arrived and told me to leave the floor.  I remember talking to someone in the break room and they said to me, "There is something else going on inside of that woman. You didn't do anything wrong." I learned quite a life lesson there. You just never know what is going on with people...and their treatment of you may not be a reflection of you or how you treat them, but instead of their inner turmoil. I do fear that animal behavior can be unpredictable but human behavior...well, that can be unpredictable too.

Our battles may not always happen in the dark of night, but they often happen where others can't see them.  I hope we don't wait until there is a bloody trail before we ask for help or offer help.  But even if the marks have been made, they do change over time...they fade and they eventually wash away. And I hope that the light in your soul will always be greater than the darkness.

Hmmmm...just dawned on me...it could be vampires in the neighborhood...

Remodel

The remodel on our bathrooms has begun. Yesterday, our contractor gutted the kids' bathroom upstairs. I watched as a cabinet came down the stairs...another cabinet, a bathtub, a sink....I'm not attached to any of these things.  My hoarder tendencies did not begin to peek out...but what did dawn on me was the work being done on these rooms.  They were still pretty much functional. There was water damage on the floor in this particular bathroom, so that was the impetus for the remodel. As it has been 15 years, it was time to update the look, the function...make it appealing to those that may want to buy it in the future.  (No, we aren't moving, but so many of the decisions are made for 'resale value') These are vital rooms in our home. Nobody wants to be without a shower, a toilet, a sink.  So, even though everything still worked, an update, a remodel, a re-creation has begun.

So what was I thinking as I watched the guts of that room come down the stairs?  Tearing down and moving out piece after piece of a vital room...Well, I thought about what kind of remodeling I need to do in my vital 'rooms'. It sounds like so much darn work...and I can't hire a contractor to do it for me. And shoot, everything seems to be pretty functional, so why change it? Unlike the bathroom, I'm pretty attached to the furniture in my 'rooms'.  It's comfortable, even if there is a spring sticking out and poking me, causing me pain from time to time.

My brain...a room with so much potential. I think I need some exercise equipment in that room.  It's pretty much become my couch potato existence. I just want to be entertained in there. Somehow, I need to make sure there is more of a balance...a little entertainment, a little exercise, a little rest.  Balance. Harmony. Perhaps need some feng shui in there. Reading, writing, I need to find more time for that. Studying up on my favorite game of poker. Improving, striving, doing.  I need that. Dang it brain...that's gonna be a pretty substantial remodel.

My heart...Oh my heart...Sometimes I feel like it's two sizes too big for the space.  No, that can't be...we will just need to knock out the walls and make more room.  I only want my heart to grow...and to never stop growing. No walls...just a big open space...where anyone can pull up a chair and feel welcome.  Yeah, I know that can be risky...but I can't think of any other way that seems comfortable to me.  I love...I just do. So what work can I do there?  I think I let other people convince me that the decorations are all wrong in there. My heart is my heart...I kinda want to be able to put whatever decorations I want in there. Do I need balance and harmony in there too?  Sure...but not if it means containing any of the love I feel and give.  Bigger, stronger, healthier love...that's the update for that room.

My soul.  I don't often open the door to that room.  It's hard for me to look at the chaos...Being a hoarder may play out in this room a bit.  Dreams of being a singer, a dancer, a mother, a wife, an author...And dreams I haven't even let myself discover...They are stored there. It's kinda like they are floating around ..some I don't ever really see anymore...maybe they are stuck in the dark corner because it was determined my voice was not pretty and I'm not that great at dancing.  I never get rid of the dreams though..I hoard them, because maybe some day...Ugh..this room needs some light. It's so dark...Every once in a while a flash goes off when I've had a great day being a mom...when I get some encouragement on my blog...but I haven't figured out how to make the light stay on.  It seems like there is going to need to be some major electrical work that needs to be done. And I am actually scared to see what I might find when my hopes and dreams are illuminated. Oh my soul, I hope to stop fearing what you are going to show me...where you will lead me.

Remodeling parts of our house brings about thoughts of remodeling parts of me...Welcome again to the world of Kari's heart, mind and soul! :)

Never make your home in a place. Make a home for yourself in your own head.  You'll find what you need to furnish it-memory, friends you can trust, love of learning, and other such things. That way it will go with you wherever you journey. -Tad Williams

Take Your Seat

She walked in to the room and it was different than the times she had walked in before. Although she felt a little vulnerable, she had an air of confidence.  Confidence that was exhibited even though she hadn't become a size 6 or achieved a lofty career goal. She called them by name. She hugged. She greeted. She was herself. She was welcomed. She took her seat.

How many times have you walked in to a room and wanted to turn around and walk out?  Or you immediately want to hide behind the nearest pillar or plant?  How many times have you not shown up altogether?  I've felt those things...done those things. I've decided I want to blend in with the wallpaper and not be seen on several occasions. But, as many of you know, there are times when I want to be seen.  In fact, I want to be in the center of everything sometimes! How can I be so different?!  Depending on the setting, the people, the reason for the event...I am either a wallflower or a party animal! ;)

Certainly, physical things can contribute to how I feel about an event or a happening.  If I haven't slept in two nights, and my back hurts, I am less likely to walk in to a room confidently, ready for whatever I encounter.  The activity itself contributes as well.  I'm just not as comfortable walking in to a swanky nightspot as I am walking in to a poker game.  Of course I want to do the things I enjoy...that makes it easy to go to those...but when it's something a little out of the ordinary, or a party where I won't know anyone, I have a much harder time even putting the keys in the ignition!

I do believe it's ok to figure out along the way in life that there are things you like and things you don't.  And you don't have to force yourself to do the things you don't like. It's the unknown things...even the unknown people you might encounter, that I am realizing I don't want to just dismiss right away anymore. By not even showing up, I could miss out on meeting someone that just might be a beacon in my life. And what if I miss out on being that for someone else?  I do think it's important to realize that every one of us has something to offer to others. We aren't all just in this for ourselves and to see what WE can get out of the deal.

So yes, the way I feel physically, or about the activity itself are big reasons for how I present myself. And how I present myself, brings about how others present themselves to me or interact with me. I realize now that if I feel like I'm invisibile, not memorable, low on the totem pole...then I am walking in already somewhat defeated and people are going to feel uncomfortable interacting with me. So even in the most uncomfortable situations, I need to walk in confident in who I am...confident that I have something to offer..and confident that I belong. The confidence still feels a little awkward, but after trying it on, I realize that with a few alterations it could actually fit pretty well. And when it fits, it should be pretty easy to sit down and take my seat just about anywhere.

She

She...opened her eyes to the new day.
   ...rolled over to feel the coolness of the pillow
      against her warm, flushed face. 
   ...basked in the light streaming in through the blinds.
   ...took a deep breath, and smiled.
   ...had thoughts of hot coffee, sweet cuddles, and
      disappointment.
   ...quickly tried to push the negative thoughts out.
   ...took another deep breath and let it out slowly.
   ...let the negative thoughts escape through the exhaling
      breath.
   ...conjured up thoughts of blue sky, purple flowers and
      green grass.
   ...pictured sweet precious faces, warm wonderful hugs  
      and a heart full of love.
   ...smiled.
   ...awoke that morning to a day of infinite promise.

Afraid

So many things running around in my head...thoughts about fitting in, speaking up, keeping silent...hard to know where to begin. I guess I just do...

I perused pictures of a group of girls out on the town, and was thankful I had been unable to join them when I had been invited. There were certainly girls within the group I would have loved to spend time with, but I realized in that picture, I would have been the oldest, the heaviest, the "one of these things is not the others" sticks out like a sore thumb gal. It's not the first time I've felt that.  I'd even been reminded at one gathering that I did have a bigger belly than anyone else, as we tried to take group pictures. Yeah, sometimes we people can be kinda cruel to each other.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to 'belong'. I've not had that one thing that defines me, like being a 'cowgirl' or a 'tennis player' or a 'druggie'...the kind of thing that helps decide what you should wear, listen to, spend your days devoted to.  I seemed to float from one group to another...and took pride in my broad taste in music, clothes, movies...and people.  You know what, I still take pride in that. I believe every single person has value, a story to share, and a need to be loved...and a need to belong. That song from the show, Cheers, keeps coming to my mind...

   Sometimes you want to go

   Where everybody knows your name,
   and they're always glad you came.
   You wanna be where you can see,
   our troubles are all the same
   You wanna be where everybody knows
   Your name. 

So why do I worry about not fitting in, when I seem to be open to including all kinds of people in my life? Why do I limit my experiences because I don't know what I will wear or if I will feel like the black sheep? I have worked too hard on accepting myself, and continue to work on it..and any sort of slighting of who I am just kicks me down and takes so much recovery.  And you know what...it may just be me doing the slighting. What the heck is up with that?  Ok, so I don't have any answers here...so on to the next thing.

I probably spill too much about me to too many people. I guess I can't help it...I feel like they need to know who they are dealing with!  But really, I want them to help me navigate my daily maze as well as the obstacles that pop up along the days, weeks and months.  Much has been said in quotes and statuses about people not wanting drama in their lives...and some people just seem to invite it into their lives.  We all have damn drama.  Some of us choose to share it and some of us keep it to ourselves. Some of us bring a net and try to catch as many people in our drama as we can, until it starts sinking the ship. Some of us choose to go down with the ship all by ourselves. I guess I feel like I need to apologize for sharing my drama with others because I don't want them to tire of me...and then I will feel like I no longer belong...hmmm.  Well, there's that again.  Perhaps it's time to carry some scissors sharp enough to cut that net...

Then there is this part of me that doesn't speak up.  What? Really?  Yes...sometimes, I just allow things to happen without speaking up when I should.  I seem to lose my voice in certain situations.  It is maddening.  I guess I feel in some ways that I deserve the trampling, because I want to be accepted, not rejected. Then I find myself with regrets and sometimes even dealing with the fallout. Ever feel like you won't be accepted because you don't go to that church or vote that way?  Guess who keeps her spiritual and political views suppressed?  In a perfect world, I should  be able to have my views and beliefs and still be accepted. I choose not to share so many views because I fear rejection.  I have already felt it many times, and this has caused a disillusionment with many things and people. Even when it isn't spirituality or politics, I am struck mute when instead I should be feeling empowered and fighting for my desires. Do I not feel I deserve what I want? And do I not feel it's important to give pertinent information when it's needed?  The weakness in me rears its head yet
again...

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...

These are words from the Sara Bareilles song, Brave.  Brave is one word I have never used to describe myself.  I'm wondering if all of the worry about fitting in, speaking up and keeping silent might be dismissed if I were just brave about who I am.

(By the way, when I write my blog, I usually close the door and type in silence.  Although I love music, I usually need to think about things without the distraction of songs that make my mind drift to other things.  Today, for some reason,I turned on Pandora when I sat down to type....and the song I quoted above came on about three songs in, right as I was getting down to the grit...I'll be thinking on that all day.)