Afraid

So many things running around in my head...thoughts about fitting in, speaking up, keeping silent...hard to know where to begin. I guess I just do...

I perused pictures of a group of girls out on the town, and was thankful I had been unable to join them when I had been invited. There were certainly girls within the group I would have loved to spend time with, but I realized in that picture, I would have been the oldest, the heaviest, the "one of these things is not the others" sticks out like a sore thumb gal. It's not the first time I've felt that.  I'd even been reminded at one gathering that I did have a bigger belly than anyone else, as we tried to take group pictures. Yeah, sometimes we people can be kinda cruel to each other.

As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to 'belong'. I've not had that one thing that defines me, like being a 'cowgirl' or a 'tennis player' or a 'druggie'...the kind of thing that helps decide what you should wear, listen to, spend your days devoted to.  I seemed to float from one group to another...and took pride in my broad taste in music, clothes, movies...and people.  You know what, I still take pride in that. I believe every single person has value, a story to share, and a need to be loved...and a need to belong. That song from the show, Cheers, keeps coming to my mind...

   Sometimes you want to go

   Where everybody knows your name,
   and they're always glad you came.
   You wanna be where you can see,
   our troubles are all the same
   You wanna be where everybody knows
   Your name. 

So why do I worry about not fitting in, when I seem to be open to including all kinds of people in my life? Why do I limit my experiences because I don't know what I will wear or if I will feel like the black sheep? I have worked too hard on accepting myself, and continue to work on it..and any sort of slighting of who I am just kicks me down and takes so much recovery.  And you know what...it may just be me doing the slighting. What the heck is up with that?  Ok, so I don't have any answers here...so on to the next thing.

I probably spill too much about me to too many people. I guess I can't help it...I feel like they need to know who they are dealing with!  But really, I want them to help me navigate my daily maze as well as the obstacles that pop up along the days, weeks and months.  Much has been said in quotes and statuses about people not wanting drama in their lives...and some people just seem to invite it into their lives.  We all have damn drama.  Some of us choose to share it and some of us keep it to ourselves. Some of us bring a net and try to catch as many people in our drama as we can, until it starts sinking the ship. Some of us choose to go down with the ship all by ourselves. I guess I feel like I need to apologize for sharing my drama with others because I don't want them to tire of me...and then I will feel like I no longer belong...hmmm.  Well, there's that again.  Perhaps it's time to carry some scissors sharp enough to cut that net...

Then there is this part of me that doesn't speak up.  What? Really?  Yes...sometimes, I just allow things to happen without speaking up when I should.  I seem to lose my voice in certain situations.  It is maddening.  I guess I feel in some ways that I deserve the trampling, because I want to be accepted, not rejected. Then I find myself with regrets and sometimes even dealing with the fallout. Ever feel like you won't be accepted because you don't go to that church or vote that way?  Guess who keeps her spiritual and political views suppressed?  In a perfect world, I should  be able to have my views and beliefs and still be accepted. I choose not to share so many views because I fear rejection.  I have already felt it many times, and this has caused a disillusionment with many things and people. Even when it isn't spirituality or politics, I am struck mute when instead I should be feeling empowered and fighting for my desires. Do I not feel I deserve what I want? And do I not feel it's important to give pertinent information when it's needed?  The weakness in me rears its head yet
again...

You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up

Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you

Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...

These are words from the Sara Bareilles song, Brave.  Brave is one word I have never used to describe myself.  I'm wondering if all of the worry about fitting in, speaking up and keeping silent might be dismissed if I were just brave about who I am.

(By the way, when I write my blog, I usually close the door and type in silence.  Although I love music, I usually need to think about things without the distraction of songs that make my mind drift to other things.  Today, for some reason,I turned on Pandora when I sat down to type....and the song I quoted above came on about three songs in, right as I was getting down to the grit...I'll be thinking on that all day.)