She walked in to the room and it was different than the times she had walked in before. Although she felt a little vulnerable, she had an air of confidence. Confidence that was exhibited even though she hadn't become a size 6 or achieved a lofty career goal. She called them by name. She hugged. She greeted. She was herself. She was welcomed. She took her seat.
How many times have you walked in to a room and wanted to turn around and walk out? Or you immediately want to hide behind the nearest pillar or plant? How many times have you not shown up altogether? I've felt those things...done those things. I've decided I want to blend in with the wallpaper and not be seen on several occasions. But, as many of you know, there are times when I want to be seen. In fact, I want to be in the center of everything sometimes! How can I be so different?! Depending on the setting, the people, the reason for the event...I am either a wallflower or a party animal! ;)
Certainly, physical things can contribute to how I feel about an event or a happening. If I haven't slept in two nights, and my back hurts, I am less likely to walk in to a room confidently, ready for whatever I encounter. The activity itself contributes as well. I'm just not as comfortable walking in to a swanky nightspot as I am walking in to a poker game. Of course I want to do the things I enjoy...that makes it easy to go to those...but when it's something a little out of the ordinary, or a party where I won't know anyone, I have a much harder time even putting the keys in the ignition!
I do believe it's ok to figure out along the way in life that there are things you like and things you don't. And you don't have to force yourself to do the things you don't like. It's the unknown things...even the unknown people you might encounter, that I am realizing I don't want to just dismiss right away anymore. By not even showing up, I could miss out on meeting someone that just might be a beacon in my life. And what if I miss out on being that for someone else? I do think it's important to realize that every one of us has something to offer to others. We aren't all just in this for ourselves and to see what WE can get out of the deal.
So yes, the way I feel physically, or about the activity itself are big reasons for how I present myself. And how I present myself, brings about how others present themselves to me or interact with me. I realize now that if I feel like I'm invisibile, not memorable, low on the totem pole...then I am walking in already somewhat defeated and people are going to feel uncomfortable interacting with me. So even in the most uncomfortable situations, I need to walk in confident in who I am...confident that I have something to offer..and confident that I belong. The confidence still feels a little awkward, but after trying it on, I realize that with a few alterations it could actually fit pretty well. And when it fits, it should be pretty easy to sit down and take my seat just about anywhere.
Monday, June 23, 2014
Tuesday, June 3, 2014
She
She...opened her eyes to the new day.
...rolled over to feel the coolness of the pillow
against her warm, flushed face.
...basked in the light streaming in through the blinds.
...took a deep breath, and smiled.
...had thoughts of hot coffee, sweet cuddles, and
disappointment.
...quickly tried to push the negative thoughts out.
...took another deep breath and let it out slowly.
...let the negative thoughts escape through the exhaling
breath.
...conjured up thoughts of blue sky, purple flowers and
green grass.
...pictured sweet precious faces, warm wonderful hugs
and a heart full of love.
...smiled.
...awoke that morning to a day of infinite promise.
...rolled over to feel the coolness of the pillow
against her warm, flushed face.
...basked in the light streaming in through the blinds.
...took a deep breath, and smiled.
...had thoughts of hot coffee, sweet cuddles, and
disappointment.
...quickly tried to push the negative thoughts out.
...took another deep breath and let it out slowly.
...let the negative thoughts escape through the exhaling
breath.
...conjured up thoughts of blue sky, purple flowers and
green grass.
...pictured sweet precious faces, warm wonderful hugs
and a heart full of love.
...smiled.
...awoke that morning to a day of infinite promise.
Sunday, June 1, 2014
Afraid
So many things running around in my head...thoughts about fitting in, speaking up, keeping silent...hard to know where to begin. I guess I just do...
I perused pictures of a group of girls out on the town, and was thankful I had been unable to join them when I had been invited. There were certainly girls within the group I would have loved to spend time with, but I realized in that picture, I would have been the oldest, the heaviest, the "one of these things is not the others" sticks out like a sore thumb gal. It's not the first time I've felt that. I'd even been reminded at one gathering that I did have a bigger belly than anyone else, as we tried to take group pictures. Yeah, sometimes we people can be kinda cruel to each other.
As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to 'belong'. I've not had that one thing that defines me, like being a 'cowgirl' or a 'tennis player' or a 'druggie'...the kind of thing that helps decide what you should wear, listen to, spend your days devoted to. I seemed to float from one group to another...and took pride in my broad taste in music, clothes, movies...and people. You know what, I still take pride in that. I believe every single person has value, a story to share, and a need to be loved...and a need to belong. That song from the show, Cheers, keeps coming to my mind...
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
So why do I worry about not fitting in, when I seem to be open to including all kinds of people in my life? Why do I limit my experiences because I don't know what I will wear or if I will feel like the black sheep? I have worked too hard on accepting myself, and continue to work on it..and any sort of slighting of who I am just kicks me down and takes so much recovery. And you know what...it may just be me doing the slighting. What the heck is up with that? Ok, so I don't have any answers here...so on to the next thing.
I probably spill too much about me to too many people. I guess I can't help it...I feel like they need to know who they are dealing with! But really, I want them to help me navigate my daily maze as well as the obstacles that pop up along the days, weeks and months. Much has been said in quotes and statuses about people not wanting drama in their lives...and some people just seem to invite it into their lives. We all have damn drama. Some of us choose to share it and some of us keep it to ourselves. Some of us bring a net and try to catch as many people in our drama as we can, until it starts sinking the ship. Some of us choose to go down with the ship all by ourselves. I guess I feel like I need to apologize for sharing my drama with others because I don't want them to tire of me...and then I will feel like I no longer belong...hmmm. Well, there's that again. Perhaps it's time to carry some scissors sharp enough to cut that net...
Then there is this part of me that doesn't speak up. What? Really? Yes...sometimes, I just allow things to happen without speaking up when I should. I seem to lose my voice in certain situations. It is maddening. I guess I feel in some ways that I deserve the trampling, because I want to be accepted, not rejected. Then I find myself with regrets and sometimes even dealing with the fallout. Ever feel like you won't be accepted because you don't go to that church or vote that way? Guess who keeps her spiritual and political views suppressed? In a perfect world, I should be able to have my views and beliefs and still be accepted. I choose not to share so many views because I fear rejection. I have already felt it many times, and this has caused a disillusionment with many things and people. Even when it isn't spirituality or politics, I am struck mute when instead I should be feeling empowered and fighting for my desires. Do I not feel I deserve what I want? And do I not feel it's important to give pertinent information when it's needed? The weakness in me rears its head yet
again...
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...
These are words from the Sara Bareilles song, Brave. Brave is one word I have never used to describe myself. I'm wondering if all of the worry about fitting in, speaking up and keeping silent might be dismissed if I were just brave about who I am.
(By the way, when I write my blog, I usually close the door and type in silence. Although I love music, I usually need to think about things without the distraction of songs that make my mind drift to other things. Today, for some reason,I turned on Pandora when I sat down to type....and the song I quoted above came on about three songs in, right as I was getting down to the grit...I'll be thinking on that all day.)
I perused pictures of a group of girls out on the town, and was thankful I had been unable to join them when I had been invited. There were certainly girls within the group I would have loved to spend time with, but I realized in that picture, I would have been the oldest, the heaviest, the "one of these things is not the others" sticks out like a sore thumb gal. It's not the first time I've felt that. I'd even been reminded at one gathering that I did have a bigger belly than anyone else, as we tried to take group pictures. Yeah, sometimes we people can be kinda cruel to each other.
As far back as I can remember, I have wanted to 'belong'. I've not had that one thing that defines me, like being a 'cowgirl' or a 'tennis player' or a 'druggie'...the kind of thing that helps decide what you should wear, listen to, spend your days devoted to. I seemed to float from one group to another...and took pride in my broad taste in music, clothes, movies...and people. You know what, I still take pride in that. I believe every single person has value, a story to share, and a need to be loved...and a need to belong. That song from the show, Cheers, keeps coming to my mind...
Sometimes you want to go
Where everybody knows your name,
and they're always glad you came.
You wanna be where you can see,
our troubles are all the same
You wanna be where everybody knows
Your name.
So why do I worry about not fitting in, when I seem to be open to including all kinds of people in my life? Why do I limit my experiences because I don't know what I will wear or if I will feel like the black sheep? I have worked too hard on accepting myself, and continue to work on it..and any sort of slighting of who I am just kicks me down and takes so much recovery. And you know what...it may just be me doing the slighting. What the heck is up with that? Ok, so I don't have any answers here...so on to the next thing.
I probably spill too much about me to too many people. I guess I can't help it...I feel like they need to know who they are dealing with! But really, I want them to help me navigate my daily maze as well as the obstacles that pop up along the days, weeks and months. Much has been said in quotes and statuses about people not wanting drama in their lives...and some people just seem to invite it into their lives. We all have damn drama. Some of us choose to share it and some of us keep it to ourselves. Some of us bring a net and try to catch as many people in our drama as we can, until it starts sinking the ship. Some of us choose to go down with the ship all by ourselves. I guess I feel like I need to apologize for sharing my drama with others because I don't want them to tire of me...and then I will feel like I no longer belong...hmmm. Well, there's that again. Perhaps it's time to carry some scissors sharp enough to cut that net...
Then there is this part of me that doesn't speak up. What? Really? Yes...sometimes, I just allow things to happen without speaking up when I should. I seem to lose my voice in certain situations. It is maddening. I guess I feel in some ways that I deserve the trampling, because I want to be accepted, not rejected. Then I find myself with regrets and sometimes even dealing with the fallout. Ever feel like you won't be accepted because you don't go to that church or vote that way? Guess who keeps her spiritual and political views suppressed? In a perfect world, I should be able to have my views and beliefs and still be accepted. I choose not to share so many views because I fear rejection. I have already felt it many times, and this has caused a disillusionment with many things and people. Even when it isn't spirituality or politics, I am struck mute when instead I should be feeling empowered and fighting for my desires. Do I not feel I deserve what I want? And do I not feel it's important to give pertinent information when it's needed? The weakness in me rears its head yet
again...
You can be amazing
You can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug
You can be the outcast
Or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love
Or you can start speaking up
Nothing’s gonna hurt you the way that words do
When they settle ‘neath your skin
Kept on the inside and no sunlight
Sometimes a shadow wins
But I wonder what would happen if you
Say what you wanna say
And let the words fall out
Honestly I wanna see you be brave...
These are words from the Sara Bareilles song, Brave. Brave is one word I have never used to describe myself. I'm wondering if all of the worry about fitting in, speaking up and keeping silent might be dismissed if I were just brave about who I am.
(By the way, when I write my blog, I usually close the door and type in silence. Although I love music, I usually need to think about things without the distraction of songs that make my mind drift to other things. Today, for some reason,I turned on Pandora when I sat down to type....and the song I quoted above came on about three songs in, right as I was getting down to the grit...I'll be thinking on that all day.)
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