Rain

It's raining. I walked outside to throw some trash away, and I found myself lingering in the pleasant shower..taking in the smells of the wet pavement, the freshly cut grass...I love the smell of the rain.  I stood there...Something made me unable to move and return to inside the house.

What does rain make you think of?  For some, it probably brings up fear, as we have been dealing with the threat of flooding around here again.  That's a very real thing to fear...the natural phenomenon of rain can cause all kinds of trouble for our manmade homes and roads...as well as wreaking havoc with the natural beauty around us, as we saw with a mudslide recently.  We need the rain...we need food to grow and lakes to fill up...We need it, but we certainly fear it at times.

As I stood outside just a little bit ago, and felt the water begin to touch my face ever so gently, and create droplets on my arms, I couldn't move. There seemed to be a force holding me in place, so I could continue feeling the rain on my skin. Then I became aware that the water on my face was no longer just the rain. My tears began to flow as I realized how I needed this rain to refresh me, renew me...make me clean. I wish it were that easy. I need refreshing and renewing, but I certainly fear it at times.

I may try going outside again. If it's still raining, maybe this time I will twirl and twirl and twirl like I remember doing as a little girl. No fear, no pain, no life experience to worry about.  Just dancing in the rain, enjoying the moment.

"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby." 

Delight

I took one of those quizzes on facebook...you know, the ones that tell you which Grease character you are or which color M&M you are or which reality show you are destined to win...I don't really know why I take these...I guess in some way I want my fortune told, or I want some random quiz maker to have such incredible insight that the result of the quiz will tell me just who I am.  One that I took the other day actually struck a chord.  It was a quiz to determine what my happy word was. And after 5 or 7 questions, it was determined mine was 'delight'. Why did this strike a chord? Why did I actually sit and let that sink in instead of continuing to scroll down the news feed?

What I often end up doing a lot these days is looking up definitions of words that I have known since I started learning how to read.  As I advance in age, I realize that my memory isn't so great but I also realize that even everyday, mundane things have fresh meaning since I have 43 years of experiences to reference. So off I went to discover just what 'delight' means. I don't use that word so often...I know I say delightful when something or someone has been especially pleasing to me. But what of 'delight'?  Why is this a happy word?  Why is this MY happy word?


According to Merriam-Webster online dictionary, delight as a noun is

: a strong feeling of happiness : great pleasure or satisfaction

: something that makes you very happy : something that gives you great pleasure or satisfaction

and as a verb is

: to make (someone) very happy : to give (someone) great pleasure or satisfaction

I certainly like having a strong feeling of happiness...AND great pleasure and satisfaction...HELLO!! ;)  Yes, I am liking this 'delight' thing...I'm thinking this is definitely a good happy word!  And then, to delight...yes, I love to make people happy...sometimes to my detriment. I am definitely a people pleaser.  And if I sense that someone is not happy with me, or I am not meeting their expectations, it is a huge difficulty for me.  I never want to let anyone down.  Problem is, I do...we all do.  People let me down.  No matter how hard we try, and what our intentions are, none of us are perfect so we are going to come up short sometimes in our efforts.  

But about this 'delight' thing...I couldn't help but smile just at the thought of the word.  It is a pleasing word to say...a pleasing word to read.  It sounds and looks happy!  Look at what's in it...'light'.  Way back when I remember singing "This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine..."  So often I let my worries and fears overshadow the fact that I have light within me.  I do want to make others happy...not because of what I can do for them, but by helping them find their light.  We all have light.  We are capable of delighting in things and helping others experience delight. 

Here's what the quiz maker said about my happy word, and about 'me':

        "You are happy because you are engaged in and curious about the world. The smallest things lift your spirits. You love that life is full of surprises. You can always see what's extraordinary in an ordinary day. You are whimsical and unpredictable. You like to shake things up a lot and have fun every day. Your friends can always count on you to make them smile. You are a delight yourself."

What a silly little quiz.  

For Mom

"Mom-ma"
"Mommy, owie"
"Mommy, it's scary"
"Mommy, I want cookies"
"Mommy, I had a bad dream"
"Mommy, can I spend the night at my friend's?"
"MOM, I don't want to clean my room"
"Mom, I have a crush on a boy"
"Mom, why does it hurt so bad?"
"Mom, I have too much homework"
"Mom, I really like him"
"Mom, I love him"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, how am I going to do this?"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, thank you for holding my hand"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, why is marriage such a challenge?"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mommy, thank you for always being there for me"
"Mom, I'm pregnant"
"Mom, you taught me how to love"
"Mom, thank you"

I am thankful for all of the things I have been able to say to my mom over the years. I am thankful she listened. I am thankful she still listens.

"Mom, I love you!!!"

Worry, and Anxiety, and Fear, Oh My!

Worry. Anxiety. Fear. I've always felt these feelings..right before giving a speech in front of the class, or performing on the field with the marching band, or say, having a baby. A nervousness about the upcoming event...and yet a wonderful high was experienced after the event was over. Once I finished, and could bask in the accomplishment, there wasn't much that could beat that feeling. Over the past few years, the worry, anxiety and fear thing has changed a bit. And I must say, I'm not diggin it.

I come from a long line of worriers. I recall being at my grandma and grandpa's house, in a small town in Iowa, and hearing sirens...either police car or fire truck or ambulance...and immediately my grandma would try to figure out where all of her children were. We didn't have cell phones back then, so she would have to worry until she could track down where they might be. I don't know if something might have happened once upon a time that made this her first response to things. But I do know, my mom responds in similar ways. I certainly thought my mom was crazy to worry so much about things...before I became a mom. I will admit, I've texted and called plenty of teenagers when I haven't been able to reach my own child who has missed curfew. My first instinct is to worry too. I work on this. There are plenty of nice quotes and things about worry. Like how it robs today of it's joy or just don't worry be happy.  Good things to keep in mind...like I said, I'm working on it.

The thing I am more concerned about now, is how I feel anxious about just about everything that is coming up. It's not just about whether my kids are safe and healthy.  It's not just about giving some big presentation.  Right now, it's Beau's swim team, and Blake's graduation, and a meeting I have tonight...I could go on and on.  When I started using my iphone calendar as my primary way to keep track of all the things happening, I shared with friends that my stomach would get tied up in knots when I looked at all of the 'dots' on the calendar (a dot indicates a scheduled event for that day).  I've gotten a little better about that, because now if you look at my calendar, there are dots on pretty much every day...and I just accept it.  Sometimes I look and am relieved when the one dot is indicating it's Flag Day or something. (Thanks iphone calendar people for putting those things in the calendar, by the way..)  Ahhh....not something I have to go do or take someone to. I love looking at a day and seeing not one thing scheduled.

I also get very anxious about getting rid of some things around the house. The first time I recall feeling this way in a pretty bad way, was sorting through VHS tapes.  My husband wanted to give them all away to a charity.  I sat there and felt so ill as I looked through them all.  Each tape helped to recall a past time in life. Top Gun...teenage years. The Jungle Book...being a new mom and watching it over and over again with my little kiddo. Tae-Bo...trying to shed the baby weight.  (That one I was fine getting rid of...)  I hated to think of letting all of that go.  Never mind that we didn't have a working VCR and couldn't watch any of them.  It just felt like I was giving away memories.  I felt a sense of relief when my mom decided she would take a lot of them home....sorry, Dad!  There is a whole shelf unit in our basement full of CDs.  I dread the day that my husband says it's time to purge those. I'm feeling ill right now just thinking about it!

I know that most of this is some fear about the unknown. A few years ago, I was scheduled to volunteer at a charity event. We were encouraged to dress up in 70's garb to go along with the theme and show up early to be instructed on our duties.  For weeks prior to the event, I would find myself near tears...freaking out about what I was going to wear and just what in the world I was going to be doing there, since I'd never done it before. I am a very capable human being...I think I can figure out how to do most tasks if given proper instruction....so why was I so anxious about this?  There were a couple of other things feeding the anxiety at the same time, and thank goodness I shared how I was feeling with some friends. They helped to ease my fears and talked me through it. It turned out that I really enjoyed volunteering and dressing up. Ahhh...there is that high again.  Kari, please remember that feeling!!

When I express these things to friends, many have suggested I look in to therapy or some meds.  It could be that I need to explore some of those avenues. In the meantime, I will take deep breaths as I look at my calendar, and tell myself I can handle it. I will encourage myself to let go of some material things around this house that clutter the house up and in turn, clutter up my mind. I will remind myself I am very capable of so many things, that I don't need to fret about failing to meet expectations.  Most of all, I am going to continue to engage in the things that bring me joy.  If I do that, I can only hope the joy will push out any worry or anxiety I try to hold on to.

"Worrying is using your imagination to create things you don't want." 

“If you want to conquer the anxiety of life, live in the moment, live in the breath.” 

"Replace fear of the unknown with curiosity."

Gettin Real Up in Here

Well, I did promise I would be real.  So here it is...I have been eating like crap the last few weeks.  Thankfully, all the walking I did in Vegas on my little getaway helped to make it so I didn't swing too far up on the scale. However, in the week I've been home, I've fallen back in to bad habits. I think my portions are still smaller, but I am craving all of the bad stuff again.  Just wanted to put it out there so there wasn't the assumption that Kari is happily eating her veggies and watching her body change in delightful ways. So if anybody else struggles...hello, I'm right there with you!  A grocery store trip is in order...and I am hopeful I can slide back in to some better habits.

Some other 'real' stuff...I am part hoarder.  I don't have the issues that the hoarders on the tv shows have...I throw trash away just fine, and don't let it pile up to the ceiling. (I do have several empty water bottles by my bed, but they are just waiting to go to the recycle bin.) My 'problem' is that I have a hard time getting rid of anything that might be useful in the future. The minute I give away that pair of baseball pants, well, we have another kid, and they will need baseball pants in a few years. Also, I am sentimental. I like to have the story that my son wrote about his first vacation. Or the first painting the kids brought home from preschool. The problem is, I don't have an orderly way of keeping them...so some are piled up, some are knocked over and some are lost...treasures to be found later on in life perhaps.  It's so sad really. I can't even talk about the amount of scrapbooking stuff I have and Pampered Chef products too.  In my defense, I used to sell Pampered Chef.  I should probably get rid of all of the old catalogs and files at this point.  I guess it has been 7 or 8 years since I have been active in that business...Clutter is my reality.

Another part of my reality is that I feel like a bad friend most of the time. I feel like I am unable to give all that I want to give to a friendship. Well, hell, that's the way I feel about being a wife too.  And a mother.  Most of the time I feel torn between wanting to spend time with my kids, my husband, the rest of my family, my friends, and myself. Balance seems to be an issue. Once I focus on one thing, the others suffer. If I spend a weekend with friends, I feel the need to spend extra time at home for a while to make up for my time away. If I spend some time enjoying a hobby, I feel guilty for not reaching out and spending time with friends. I feel like I have missed out on bonding with friends...and that I am unable to be there for them like I would like to be. And I never want anybody to feel as if I have slighted them or picked something else over them.

And for reals, I feel completely inadequate when it comes to helping people who are struggling. I can listen. I can offer some advice that may have worked for me in a similar situation. But I am always concerned that I just don't know the right words to say...the right help to offer...the right way to be there for them.  I am pretty sure my kids know I am there for them...the ones who are still in the house get reassurances from me every day. I sure hope that all of them feel my love even in the midst of my struggles. It's a little harder probably for my friends to know...I don't see them every day.  And I get wrapped up in home stuff, and myself, and maybe don't reach out as much as I  should. I desire relationship with people. I wish I could concentrate on that more.

That's probably enough realness for now. This week,as I slipped graduation announcements in to envelopes, there was a family losing a very vibrant member. As I beat myself up over making unhealthy choices, one of my family members was sharing their recent battle with health issues and struggle to have a baby. My reality is mine, but their reality is mine too...every experience shared, every emotion described, every tear shed has an impact on me. I am better for knowing their reality and I hope somehow, someone is better for knowing mine.

Look at Me

When I was a young girl, I used to pretend that video cameras were following me everywhere. I guess I thought that my life was fascinating enough that people would want to see every move I made. Since then, the movie The Truman Show followed a man from from birth to adulthood, scripting his life by surrounding him with actors. Reality tv is now the main source of entertainment for many of us. You can find a 'reality show' about tattoos, fishing, pawn shops, races around the world, celebrities, and just about anything else you can think of. I should have shared my idea way back then...I could be blogging from my million dollar yacht. 

Sometimes, I think that people would like a look at what goes on in the life of a suburban housewife, mother of 5, married to her high school sweetheart. That fantasy that I am so unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing that the whole world would want to know me, creeps in still. I do have stories...plenty of stories...phases of life that have been amazing, some that have been painful, some so very confusing. But the reality is, we ALL have these stories. I am not unique in my struggles. I love reading someone's perspective on their daily challenges. It gives me some hope and comfort knowing I am not alone. I do think that is why writing about what's happening with me is so appealing, because I hope that others may see they are not the only one struggling in their role as a wife or mother, a weight loss journey, in following a dream...

But here's the thing...I'm not the only one, but I am also unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing. Do you know how hard it is for me to type that sentence, much less say it out loud?  I think the reason I wanted to have the whole world watch my life was to validate those very things I just said about myself. There's a block somewhere in my head or my heart that does not want to allow me to believe I am anything more than boring, unexceptional, and insignificant. 

And this, my friends, is what I am working on. I don't need cameras following me around to assure me I am worthy of love, whether it be from myself or others.  I am fascinating.