Look at Me

When I was a young girl, I used to pretend that video cameras were following me everywhere. I guess I thought that my life was fascinating enough that people would want to see every move I made. Since then, the movie The Truman Show followed a man from from birth to adulthood, scripting his life by surrounding him with actors. Reality tv is now the main source of entertainment for many of us. You can find a 'reality show' about tattoos, fishing, pawn shops, races around the world, celebrities, and just about anything else you can think of. I should have shared my idea way back then...I could be blogging from my million dollar yacht. 

Sometimes, I think that people would like a look at what goes on in the life of a suburban housewife, mother of 5, married to her high school sweetheart. That fantasy that I am so unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing that the whole world would want to know me, creeps in still. I do have stories...plenty of stories...phases of life that have been amazing, some that have been painful, some so very confusing. But the reality is, we ALL have these stories. I am not unique in my struggles. I love reading someone's perspective on their daily challenges. It gives me some hope and comfort knowing I am not alone. I do think that is why writing about what's happening with me is so appealing, because I hope that others may see they are not the only one struggling in their role as a wife or mother, a weight loss journey, in following a dream...

But here's the thing...I'm not the only one, but I am also unique, charming, intelligent and intriguing. Do you know how hard it is for me to type that sentence, much less say it out loud?  I think the reason I wanted to have the whole world watch my life was to validate those very things I just said about myself. There's a block somewhere in my head or my heart that does not want to allow me to believe I am anything more than boring, unexceptional, and insignificant. 

And this, my friends, is what I am working on. I don't need cameras following me around to assure me I am worthy of love, whether it be from myself or others.  I am fascinating.