Cards and People

I like to play poker. I've been doing it for some time now, and have seen some improvement in my play. I've certainly gained some confidence that I am fairly good at something. I still make stupid plays on occasion. I don't have all of the percentages and odds and technical parts of the game down. I'm not so interested in that. For me, it's more a study of people.

At the table, I do study each player. There are some I know already how they play. But there are usually a few new players that I need to figure out. But I am not the poker player who sits seriously and quietly thinking about the game. For one, it's free poker I'm playing, most of the time...but also, I would much rather discuss music and how the new job is going and when the next playoff game is gonna be. I will even listen as you tell me some very serious things you are facing.  I mostly like to try and make people laugh...I always love seeing people smile...
Poker to me is much more about the people than the cards. (I better stop there, because I do believe my being social is a part of my game play...and I don't want to give away any sort of telling information to you other players! ;)

I do love playing cards though...I spent many a night playing Hearts and Spades in my dorm room with other residents. There is some skill, and luck involved in almost every card game I can think of. More luck with some, like War...but most games require some thought! Much like life, really. You are dealt your cards...you can decide how to play them. That requires skill a lot of the time, but I do believe it's all made worthwhile if you like the people you are playing the game with.

On another note, I think I will have to celebrate 25 pounds lost again. That's not a good thing.  That means I have been going the wrong way!  It's ok.  That's how this goes.  I will get it back under control.  I've come too far to give up!  (But almost every day I want to give up...just sayin.)

“Life consists not in holding good cards, but in playing those you hold well"

Which Room?

I had a dream last night that I was looking for my hotel room and I couldn't find it. I had a key, like a real key, not a card, and it listed four different numbers for the room. The trouble was that each floor had the same numbers so I was having to check every floor, and four different rooms on each floor. This was a big building with many floors so it seemed neverending. I kept walking in to everyone else's rooms. I met some nice people doing that, but I started to get very anxious that I was never going to find my room. Alas, I woke up before there was a resolution. I never did find my room. That seems to happen with most of my dreams. They don't get wrapped up in a nice little ending. I am always left hanging.

Well, this was one of those dreams that had me feeling anxious upon waking up. I hate that. And then it made me think. I don't hate that so much...thinking is good, most of the time :)  Oftentimes I feel like I am barging in to other people's rooms. I'm trying really hard to fit in the keyhole, and it just never quite fits but they let me in anyway because they can hear my clamoring at the door. They introduce me to everyone else in the room and invite me to stay, I guess because I seem harmless enough. They invite me back a few times, but since I've never found my room, I'm unable to reciprocate. I am always afraid the invitations will stop. 

What is my room? Is it my life's passion? Is it the dream I am supposed to go after? And why is it so dang hard for me to find? I seem to have a good enough time in everyone else's room...but the desire to find mine just keeps making me feel uneasy. If somebody would just give me the correctly marked key....

And there is where a lightbulb goes off for me. I keep expecting someone else to lay it out for me. Here is the key, here is the floor and room number. And here is the map of the hotel that will tell you exactly how to get there. Somehow, I have to figure out how to do it myself. What would it look like if took a walk around the hotel, saw a few rooms and then very deliberately chose a room? Then, figured out how to mold a key out of hot metal, found the best way to get there from the lobby and printed my own map?  

The anxious feeling seems to have shifted to excited...Crap, I guess I better figure out which hotel to stay at...

Get it Together

Hey, guess who worked for an hour on a blog post and eventually discarded it?  That would be this girl!  I am having a hard time believing that I have anything to offer...And that's after just three posts on this here blog. It was much easier when the main purpose of my previous blog was to tell everyone what I was eating every day. My hope for that was that others would find some help or inspiration in their weight loss or health goals.  Now, my purpose seems unclear, other than to please my own desire to write and type and ruminate on topics. And then there is the ever present fear that I will present too much of me, and scare everyone off with my crazy.

Oh, wait, are you still reading?!  Hot damn!

Maybe if I made one of those lists I see popping up all over...30 Things Happy People Do, 15 Things to Stop Doing, The Top 11 Super Foods...How in the world I could ever profess to know enough about something to list it in such a concise and packaged way, I don't know. I could tell you the Top 5 Things I Step On in My House. Or My Top 3 Worst Things to Clean Up (gross)....Maybe the Top 6 Most Interesting Things I Have Found Under the Couch. Notice those are all under 10 items...It seems exhausting to think of more than 10 things for anything. And I don't think that I have anything figured out enough to actually pass along. How do people do that?!  

Why does it seem everybody else has their stuff together and I don't? I've been waiting my whole adult life to feel like I have it all together. I think I am just destined to be the woman who is always a little disheveled. Let me tell you, when I shower and style my hair AND put on makeup and it all looks pretty good, I am ecstatic! But I know within an hour of mingling at a party, or dancing at a wedding, or sitting in a crowded auditorium, my hair will be straight, and I will be sweating like I'm in a sauna so all of my makeup melts off. I don't have magic tools in my purse that I can hop to the bathroom with and 'freshen up'...I would have to start all over. Instead, I pull my hair in to a pony tail, and continue on, realizing I may look a little rough, or crazy even. But I guess that's me....Smooth sometimes, but rough sometimes too. Calm sometimes, but crazy sometimes too.

The one thing I am all of the time, though, is Kari. Well, I don't know...maybe I need to start naming my other personalities...

Milestone

I reached a weight loss milestone today. Sssshhhh...keeping it a little on the down low...Everyone has their opinions about how you should lose weight and how not to. Keeping track of pounds lost is acceptable to some, and sad to others. I have been noticing that my pants are falling down, so I know my body is changing. But I do really like to have the actual hard numbers to help me see my progress in a very clear way. Today marks 25 pounds lost since January 1.  Woohoo!!!  I would not suggest the type of weight loss I experienced this week, with being sick and all, but I am looking forward to keeping on track now.

For those new to my weight loss journey, after being a very thin young girl and teenager, I have struggled with weight issues since I went off to college. I like to blame it on being pregnant at 19 and having five children. Truth is, the first year I went off to CU, I gained a nice amount of weight and a belly bump. Since then, up and down I've gone and have never really been happy with my body. A huge change from the confident high schooler with no real body issues.

For the past four years or so, I had not been able to find the right motivation or love for myself to get back on track losing weight and feeling better. This is what I think happened in January..I finally accepted myself for where I was right then...and that acceptance developed in to a motivator to be even better.

I am ashamed that for a while now I have been negatively processing other people's weight loss journeys, or their suggestions to me. I knew what I had to do...I knew what worked for me and what didn't.  I tried so many damn things...I didn't want one more thing thrown at me...even if done with love. I quietly began my journey again, with some shame because damn it, why haven't I gotten this by now?! Even as I sit here thinking about how I'm losing these same pounds again, I am saying to myself over and over again, "I hope that this time, I finally make the changes for good." 

I do hope I have made these changes for good. You know why?  Because I have felt like my outside doesn't reflect who I am inside at all. Inside, I felt like I was still this self confident teenager who just needed to be let out in to a beautiful thin body and the rest of life would just fall in to place. Taking a good hard look at my inside, the overweight, out of shape body may actually be reflecting what I was letting happen on the inside. I can no longer think so negatively about myself. 

"When the inner you and the outer you join hands, you become the only you. And when that happens, things begin to unfold more easily and the trip becomes more exciting and fun too." Begin with Yes

Looking to become the only me.

25 POUNDS!!!  Hell to the yeah!!! 

Sick Day

I was taken down yesterday by some ailment for a good 15 hours. Sitting upright and typing right now is a huge accomplishment...and I can't wait to go lay back down.

Being sick sucks. I don't have any sort of philosophical insight to offer today. I just want to feel better. I didn't spend my day yesterday trying to find a wonderful little tidbit to contemplate and expound on. I think I was cursing in my head a good portion of Tuesday. The best part of the day was when my mom stopped in when dropping off my son, and put her hand on my forehead.  There's just something about a mother's touch...I hadn't felt that in a long time. Her cool soft hand somehow helped this thought enter my mind..."you're going to be ok". Wonder if my touch is like that to my kids. I hope so.

And now...I'm spent.

First One

This is my first blog post in two years. My previous blog began as a weight loss journey titled Journey to a Bikini. It evolved into a much different journey and I changed the name to Journey to Contentment.  I couldn't change the URL though, (as far as I know anyway) so it will forever be journeytoabikini.blogspot.com.  I 
decided I would start fresh. Starting fresh meant a new name to forever be known as.  Let me just say, it took me a good part of the morning trying to figure that out.  So now it's thekariblog.  Not the most creative, but it's me...and I guess if there is anything my continuing journey is, well, it's just me! 

After I finally figured out what to call this, I started to think about why I was writing it.  I immediately began an explanation in my head.  Actually, it was much more a bunch of justifications.  I was feeling guilty about wanting to put thoughts and feelings out there for others to read.  Who would want to read it anyway?  And when some people read it, would they just roll their eyes and develop a not so high opinion of me?  

Justify: to provide or be a good reason for (something) : to prove or show (something) to be just, right, or reasonable (from the Free Merriam-Webster Dictionary)

Why is it I feel I need to prove there is a good reason for me to write a blog?  Why is it I feel the need to prove there is a good reason for anything that I do or don't do?  You want to get a manicure? Yes, but it's because I broke a nail and it hurts and they can help repair it.  The broken nail may be true, but in reality I enjoy manicures.  And I want one.  You want to play poker tonight?  Yes, but it's because my close friend will be there and I haven't seen them in a while.  The meetup with a friend may be true, but you know what?  I love poker.  And I want to play.  You want to sit and watch tv by yourself?  Yes, but it's because I am rarely alone and can watch something I want to watch without interruption.  Again, true, but damn it...I like to watch tv.  And sometimes I just want to do it.  

(A little aside here....I'm holding back tears as I type this...One reason for writing this blog...self discovery.....)

I don't like to fall short of anyone's expectations.  I think that's why I try to justify most everything about me...because I can't meet those expectations.  I fall short every day. When I choose to engage in something for just me, I feel I should have made a different choice that would have pleased someone else more.  Perhaps writing it out and looking at my choices will help me see that I don't have to justify being me.  Come along for the ride if you want to.  I can't promise it will be thrilling or enlightening, but I can promise it will be real.  

Now I'm going to get this darn nail fixed....